Allowing Myself to Feel Valuable

Sometimes being an adult really sucks. Aside from the bills, responsibilities and general life expectations, people expect you to have what they deem an acceptable answer to the question "So, what do you do?"

When you're a teenager nobody asks you that. As an adult, everyone wants to know. But, they aren't actually asking what you do, they're asking what you do to contribute to your household. Here's how the conversation goes with strangers:

Person: So, what do you do?
Me: Oh, I'm a homemaker.
Person: Awe, that's so nice, so how many kids do you have?
Me: Uh, none....
Person: Um...
Me: But not for lack of trying...?
Person: Oh...so what do you DO?

This always results in me desperately trying to come up with an acceptable answer. Of course nothing I do is an acceptable answer because everything I do can also be accomplished by people doing those things AND bringing in a regular paycheck, thus, in the eyes of the stranger rendering me less valuable than all of the people that do what I do and contribute in a more tangible way.

This always leads to a comment about how it must be nice to get to stay at home while someone else does all the work. Which always leads to me deciding that I need to go to work.

Not for me, not for my husband, not for the betterment of our lives.

For you.

So you can stop judging me and so I can feel like society gives me some value as a contributing member of my household.

This always leads to my husband reminding of why we chose this lifestyle and how much value he places on me and my role.

Then, until I meet someone new again, that's enough and I feel valued and useful.

I do a lot to contribute to my household, and my days aren't always easy and super laid back like everyone assumes.

My days get messy.

My days can be chaotic.

My days can be stressful.

Just like yours.

No, I don't have little ones running around. No, I don't usually have a schedule to keep or deadlines or expectations to live up to. But I do do work, valuable work. My contribution is substantial. It may not be so in the way society sees things these days, but in my house my efforts, my days, the things I do, matter.

I matter.

I know a lot of people do the things I do with children and full-time jobs, and I admire them. I really do. I'm glad that they can do that and that they've made that choice. That isn't the choice that we've made. And it is our choice to make.

Here's the thing that it has taken is taking a long time for me to realize and embrace fully, it's okay not to be perfect and have a mile long list of my day's accomplishments always at the ready.

I often feel that because I'm home all day you shouldn't be able to find a speck of dust or piece of clutter in my house, that there should always be something in the oven or on the stovetop, and that everything should be in its place. When I start to feel this way, that my only value as a person is in what I do and not who I am I get bogged down and run myself ragged.

There have been weeks where I felt like such a useless waste of space because of comments that I've gotten from people that I've worked so hard and tried to do so much just to prove myself worthy and useful that I've done nothing but cook and clean all day to the point that when my husband got home in the afternoon I was so exhausted I couldn't spend time with him. That was part of the point of me staying home, us getting to be a couple. Getting to spend time together that we wouldn't otherwise.

He gets home at 1:30 most days which leaves the entire afternoon for us to just be together. If I worked outside the home I'd either be working or rushing around to get all of the household things done after work and we'd doth be too tired to relax and enjoy each other and just being together.

We sacrifice a lot to have the lifestyle we do. I bake all of our bread, make our food from scratch, we don't buy soda pop [I lost a bet], snacks, or even disposable sandwich bags. We don't have cable, we only have one car, we tried to shut off our cell phones ((long story)) and we rarely go out. We don't buy paper towels, napkins, pads, or plastic cups/plates/silverware. I make our cleaning products and we don't have any of the latest gadgets.

But you know what we do have? A whole lot more us. And in this house, that's what counts. For this house, for my husband, I matter. I have value. I am more than what I do or don't do during the day, I mean more than a paycheck.

You may not see it that way, society may not see it that way, but my husband does. And so does God. And, I'm getting better at seeing that every day.

Please understand two things: We are not on any assistance whatsoever [not that there is anything wrong with that, just putting it out there before I get asked/accused]  Second, I understand that you may not live this way or want to live this way, and I respect that. This is our choice for our family, this is where our values lie. I don't expect everyone to make the choices we've made, I understand that not everyone can or is willing to. That's fine. I respect that.

I'm asking you to respect me too. I may not have a role that our society deems valuable or important, but I have a role that I deem valuable and important, a role that I find fulfilling and worthwhile, a role that my husband loves and appreciates.

One day I may need to work outside of the home, but not today.

Today I stay home.

Today I bake the bread.

Today I wash the clothes and hang them out to dry.

Today I allow my house to remain cluttered and a little messy because truthfully, it's comfortable that way, we live here.

Today I will spend extra time with my husband cuddling on the couch and laughing about nothing or arguing about getting a hedgehog.

Today I have value beyond a paycheck.

Today I ask you to stop asking me when I'll get a 'real job' because I already have one.

It's here, at home.

150 Things To Do While Dating

Back before we were married. Being a goofy couple in love.

Recently I wrote to you about sex, and why you should wait to have it. I gave you ten realistic reasons, all taken from actual sex talks I've had with teenagers. You can read that here. One of my points in that post is this:

3. You can build a stronger relationship. Nobody courts anymore. That's a problem. We just have sex on date number one, therefore never having to woo our significant other. Or anytime we do spend wooing is in anticipation of sex, instead of marriage.  So, instead of spending months getting to to know each other in every other possible way, we spend about two minutes learning about the person, and then just have sex with them. No wonder so many relationships fail. Trust me when I say that if you spend time finding non physical ways to express your love to each other you will have a stronger relationship later. I hear lots of women complaining that their spouses aren't romantic and only want to have sex all the time. Well, yeah. They all had sex before marriage. They didn't have to learn to love them in any other way.

My third point in that post is that if you wait to have sex you have to find other ways to express your love beyond being physical. Getting to know them, on a real level, not just a superficial one.

I thought I might help you out with this and give you 150 totally fantastic ways to get to know and just spend time with the person that you want to make your spouse, or the person that IS your spouse. Dating doesn't end just because we've said our vows. I put together a pretty fun list of 150 goofy, serious, exciting, boring, memorable things to do while dating. Things that your mom will totally approve of!  Let's just get right to it, shall we?

150. Write them letters. 

149. Make up surveys for them to answer. 

148. Go to the park, and swing, play on the merry-go-round.

147. Play tag.

146. Talk on the phone for hours.

145.Go to a sporting event.

144. Play mini golf.

143. Play chess.

142. Paintball.

141. Laser Tag.

140. Take a dance class.

139. Find a super awesome cause to get involved with together.

138. Make mix...playlists? Eh, go old school, make mix tapes for each other.

137. Play an entire game of Monopoly. 

136. Read the same book, and discuss it.

135. Go to the library.

134. Go to the county fair.

133. Go read to people in a nursing home.

132. Go on picnics.

131. Pray for each other every day.

130. Keep prayer journals for each other.

129. Go to an amusement park.

128. Play Frisbee Golf

127. Cook dinner for each other's parents. 

126. Conquer a Pinterest project. 

125. Go to a photo booth.

124. Go Fishing.

123. Run a marathon together.

122. You should train for that marathon first.

121. Take an obscure and useless class like beer making.

120. Ice Skating.

119. Build a Snowman.

118. Have a snowball fight.

117. Have a food fight.

116. Go to church together.

115. Start a Bible study.

114. Do a Bible study, just the two of you.

113. Put together a jigsaw puzzle.

112. Go go-kart racing.

111. Make a scrapbook together.

110. Plant a garden at one of your homes, and raise it together.

109. Can the vegetables from your garden together.

108. Build something out of sugar cubes.

107. Learn a new language.

106. Learn to line dance.

105. Go berry picking.

104. Build something.

103. Horseback Riding.

102. Discuss and write down all of your goals and aspirations as a couple.

101. Go on a hike.

100. Find other couples abstaining and be a support system, go on group dates with them.

99. Take a cooking class.

98. Play Pool.

97. Tell them your biggest secrets.

96. Go to a museum

95. Visit that really "lame" to locals tourist spot in your area. Act like tourists seeing it for the first time.

94. Fly Kites.

93. Go on a hot air balloon ride.

92. Do the other's favorite activity.

91. Find a shared hobby.

90. Start a hope chest together.

89. Play twenty questions.

88. Talk about important things.

87. Discuss your expectations for your marriage.

86. Talk about how many kids you want, how you want them raised, etc.

85. Spend as much as time as possible getting to know their family. After all, you want them to be your family.

84. Go ice skating.

83. Go to a concert.

82. Go to a musical.

81. Go to events at the local high school, support the kids.

80. Head up a charity event.

79. Know where your political opinions lie.

78. Talk about the causes that matter most to you. 

77. Seek out news articles/blogs that the other would find of interest, and send them links.

76. Arrange double dates with solid couples that have been married for various lengths of time [5,10,15,25,50+ years] ask them about marriage. Ask them what makes their marriage work. Take notes, learn from them.

75. Go rock climbing.

74. Go to a petting zoo.

73. Go to whatever town event is going on in your town, or a nearby one.

72. Go hunting.

71. Play football.

70. Climb trees.

69. Go bike riding.

68. Go to the gym together.

67. Go to a haunted house.

66. Go out to dinner, and pay for a stranger's dinner.

65. Restore a car together.

64. Sledding.

63. Build a snow fort. 

62. Volunteer to babysit for a young married couple.

61. Play video games.

60. Befriend a widow. Pay attention. Some of the best relationship advice you will ever get will come from someone who has truly loved and lost.

59. Offer to do yard work/simple chores for elderly folks in your neighborhood.

58. Take meals to new parents.

57. Find a single parent, help them in anyway they need. 

56. Volunteer to sit with a new baby so mom and dad can take a nap. Or a shower.

55. Convince your church to host "date" nights. With games, and scripture, and good fellowship for young couples. 

54. Go to a gun range. 

53. Pray together.

52. Go to Adoration ((for Catholics))

51. Take a pottery class.

50. Buy balloons, deliver them to the hospital for strangers.

49. Do an entire book of Mad Libs together.

48. Go to the circus.

47. Volunteer at an after school program.

46. Go to an aquarium.

45. Sing karaoke, in a legit place, not a sleazy bar. 

44. Go to a pumpkin patch.

43. Go to a corn maze.

42. Go to a wine tasting. ((if you're legal-clearly))

41. Protest something.

40. Go to a drive in theater.

39. Attend a reenactment.

38. Go to an art festival.

37. Bake cookies.

36. Get dressed up super fancy like and go eat fast food.

35. Go on a scavenger hunt.

34. Buy presents for a kid from the angel tree.

33. Throw a party. Not like a drunk party, but like a dress nice, eat good food party.

32. Go to Wal-Mart. Set a twenty dollar limit. Split up. Buy the other person something that will make their life easier.

31. Volunteer at an animal shelter.

30. Check out a church that neither of you have been to before.

29. Spend time with their parent/s alone.

28. Hang out with their siblings.

27. Be in a parade. I'ts really  easy to join one, I did on my wedding day, totally uninvited!

26. Have a game night with their best friend and yours.

25. Volunteer to help at a high school event. Prom, dance, sporting event, etc.

24. Without discussing it first, order for each other at a restaurant. 

23. Pick out a chapter in the Bible for them to read every day for a week.

22. Switch cell phones for an entire day that you are apart.

21. Make a no smart phone rule while you are out together.

20. Go on a date where you can only speak in quotes. 

19. Pick an accent for them to speak in. Use that accent all day.

18. Go on a day trip to nowhere in particular. No maps, no GPS, no cellphones. Get lost together, teamwork to get unlost.

17. Watch a movie over the phone together.

16. Pick a movie neither of you have ever seen and watch it on mute. Make up the dialog. 

15. Watch a TV series neither of you have seen before. If Doctor Who falls into that category, I just picked for you.

14. Go to a political event for something you both disagree with.

13. Do something you both hate.

12. Have a light saber fight.

11. Evangelize strangers.

10. Have a silent dinner. You may only communicate with facial expressions and hand signals.

9. Hang out with each other's best friend. Ask them at least thirty questions about them.

8. Pick wildflowers.

7. Have a squirt gun fight.

6. Make macaroni jewelry for each other.

5. Take a picture on every date you go on. Make it into a picture book of your love story for your kids.

4. Going dancing. Not grinding. Dancing. Like ballroom dancing.

3. Get dressed up and go bowling.

2. Start a book club.

1. Put together a piece of furniture...if you make it without killing each other, your marriage will be fine.

These are in no particular order. Some of them are specifically for Christians, most of them aren't. I may separate them...but, at the moment they are mixed together. After three computer crashes, and one baby determined to delete this post, I just need to hit "publish" for my own sanity!

My goal here was not only to provide you with date ideas, but to also give you ideas on building a better relationship, getting to know each other better, and growing into better people together. The biggest thing I want to get across to you is that you need to know how to date, and how to show affection, and how to care without getting physical. You need to build a good, solid foundation before you try to build up a relationship.

The dating doesn't end after the ceremony. If you want your marriage to work, and to last. You need to keep getting to know your spouse. You need to keep dating them. Keep being silly, and keep falling in love! Clearly, this post is just as much for married people as it is for dating people.


*HUGE, monster shout out to Susan and Beth for helping me brainstorm on the last twenty or so. You guys rock!

23 Things to do While Married at 23.

I read a post the other day, entitled 23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23. As I read it I had to laugh, because first off, at 23 I celebrated my three year wedding anniversary. That's right, I was barely 20 when I got married, and I don't regret it for a second. I am so glad that I got married when I did. I'm so glad that my husband and I are growing up together, learning together, and building a life together. We get to have amazing life experiences, and we get to share them!

I do agree with her on one point, and that is that you shouldn't get married just to get married. You shouldn't get married until you're ready, and you shouldn't get married because that's just what you do after college. I wholeheartedly agree there. HOWEVER, the rest of her post is totally self centered, and I'm glad she's not getting married yet, because she's not ready for self sacrificing love. The funny thing to me is that she's talking about getting married young like it's some new trend. It's not. It's yet another tradition gone by the wayside that's being revived. The problem is, the ideals that made those marriages work aren't being revived at the same pace. We have this nut job idea that we can be married and totally separate from our spouses. Nope. If you aren't ready to wholly unite your life to another, then you aren't ready for marriage.

I can't help but notice that she talks about the wedding she wants, but not about the marriage. That's a huge problem these days. The marriage isn't the wedding, the wedding is day one of the marriage. The marriage should outshine the wedding by far. The marriage is the part that needs to have value, and beauty and worth. The marriage is the part that counts. She talks about marriage like it's the end of you, and the end of your life. You're settled down behind your white picket fence, and that's it. She talks about marriage as a cop-out. She clearly doesn't understand marriage. Marriage is so much harder than finding yourself. Marriage is deciding to work every single day. Marriage is combining your needs with someone else's. Marriage is the greatest adventure.

She talks all about her, and what she needs to do and experience, and that's fine. What she fails to realize is that marriage is the beginning, no where near the ending. I've learned more about myself in my marriage than I ever could have single. Why? Because I've seen myself through my husband's eyes. If I hadn't looked at myself in the light he sees me in, I wouldn't have the self confidence, and the love of myself I have. I wouldn't be able to love as deeply as I do, or make sacrifices if I didn't have Tom.

So, I made my own list: 

23 things to do while married at 23:

1. Dance in the kitchen, with only the water filling the sink for music.

2. Laugh at the water all over the kitchen floor because your husband distracted you....again.

3. Get in a water fight with your spouse.

4. Open a business. 

5. Drive around aimlessly for hours playing 100 questions, and jamming out to '80's rock.

6.  Take on a home renovation project.

7. Build something together.

8. Walk to the county fair, and get so wrapped up in the country music blaring that you dance in the middle of the street and don't care who watches.

9. Volunteer at a shelter.

10. Learn to communicate in a way only the two of you understand.

11. Spend way too much money on fancy stinky cheeses, breads and wine. Spread out a blanket in the middle of the living room, shut off all the lights, light candles, and have a romantic picnic. 

12. Forget about breakfast in bed, spend all day in bed, and eat all three meals there. 

13. Declare one week TV free.

14. Make love every night for a week, and don't allow it to be the same any night.

15. Discover a hobby together.

16. Bake a cake together. End up with cake batter all over the kitchen, because "FOOD FIGHT"

17. Go on a last minute vacation.

18. Take turns picking out movies that your spouse loves and you hate, and enjoy them because they do.

19. Sacrifice something you're selfishly holding on to for them.

20. Cry together. 

21. Learn every possible detail about your spouse.

22. Put someone else above you.

23. Deepen your relationship with God, together.

Marriage is learning together, growing together, laughing together, crying together, sacrificing together. Marriage is allowing someone else to help you to become the best you can be, and helping them to do the same. Marriage is not for everyone. Marriage at 20 is not for everyone, but it's not a death sentence either. 

In Response to Attention Seeking Facebook Posts

We've all seen those pictures floating around Facebook, someone holding up a sign saying something along the lines of; "1,000,000,000 likes and my mom will get me a puppy!" or "250,000 likes and my sister names her kid Darth Vader!" You know what I'm talking about. Generally I just roll my eyes and continue along my merry way. Today I saw one that stopped me in tracks. It made me hurt and angry, and not at  the person holding the sign, but at our society and the way we view things.

My first thought was; "It's just someone's idea of a joke." True enough, that is likely exactly what is. But, it's not funny in the least. I'm not even sure where to begin on this one. So many problems here. 

Let's start with the broad idea of these types of posts. Notability. The only reason people ever post these types of things is to get noticed. Obviously. They want to get people talking, of course it works, here I am talking about them! I find that in itself really sad. The ridiculous lengths people will go to to get noticed. Are we that starved for attention? Or is it that we dish attention out in such hearty portions that we're always craving more? It's so strange, all of this viral sensation stuff. It's actually really easy to be noticed on social media these days. All you have to do is take a crazy photo, make an alarming video, or publicly shame your kids, and BAM! Fifteen seconds of fame on a silver platter.  Honestly, it's so ridiculously easy and "mainstream" to have a bit of fleeting social media notoriety that I don't even know why anyone bothers. That's just me...I recently realized I'm becoming a hermit, so I'm clearly not in the mood to become a viral sensation for a quarter of a minute...I'm too much of a hipster for all that nonsense. Anywho, back to my point, I find this type of pleading for attention really sad. I find it even sadder that it's not coming from a lack of attention given to us, but more of an over abundance. Anytime that lessens or isn't enough anymore we then have to seek it out on these huge national and global platforms. That's really depressing, and a huge reflection on our culture. Not only that we are so used to receiving gobs of attention that we have to take to such displays, but also that we don't have better things to devote our attention to. Things are so fleeting in our culture that people like this guy are a dime a dozen and there will be another along tomorrow. So, the little bit of notability he's gained from this will be replaced by something similar in the morning.

After our need for attention is the need for approval. "I need 50,000 people to like this to feel important and validated for my desire for_____" That's really what these are all saying, isn't it? So funny that in a culture of "to each their own" and "don't judge anyone for anything" we care so much about what others-complete and total strangers-think. The whole premise of these types of posts is rooted in the need for attention and approval. We're a self centered lot aren't we? 

Now that we've covered the generals, let's talk specifics shall we? As soon as I read the words "I'll give you a baby..." I cringed. GIVE. GIVE?!?!?!? You GIVE someone a CD, an ugly sweater, a fruit cake. A baby is a living, breathing human being not an object to be given on the whim of someone else. Again, this is not an attack on this guy, I'm just using this example because it encompasses so much of the problems in our society. We view people as objects so much it's no wonder that we can easily equate a child to a sweater. Oh, I get asked when I'm going to "give" my husband a child, and my mother a grandchild all the stinking time. The answer to that is never. No, I'm not saying I'm never going to get pregnant or adopt ((this is a Catholic infertility blog for crying out loud)) I'm saying that I'm never going to birth or adopt a child to appease someone else's desire for a new title. Because a child is not an object, but a little tiny human being belonging only to God and themselves it's not really my place to go giving them away like I did a basket of fudge the other day, now is it? No. I may one day birth/adopt a child that will change my husband's title to "dad" and mine to "mom" but I am never going to "give" him or myself, for that matter, a child. A person is not an object to be desired and given. A child is a person deserving of love, care and respect from the moment of conception to the moment of death. Sure, they may depend on me for a time, or perhaps for their entire lives, but that does not give me ownership over them, and that does not make them an object to be tossed aside with last year's iPhone. I have never in my life owned an iProduct, just sayin'

Secondly, the concept that having children is something we do just because it suits us. Here's where I'm going to be a selfish person. I bleeping hate it when I hear people say; "We decided if we were going to have kids, we better get it done, so we did." or "I'll have a baby when___" I decided I'd have a baby approximately nine months after my wedding. That worked out well, didn't it? For those of us that would give their left foot for a chance at parenthood these things are really hurtful and inconsiderate. How do you think the woman that has been desperately longing for a child for the last ten years feels when you casually talk about whether you'll "give" your spouse a baby or not? It breaks her heart to hear you casually discuss how much power you have to determine when, if and how you'll have children just like you're picking out which sweater you'll buy. No, we shouldn't center everything we do and say around how others feel, but in situations like this it certainly doesn't hurt to take into consideration that while you just get to wake up one morning and decide whether or not you'll become a parent other people are waking up in a pool of tears from another night of longing and want for something you casually toss aside.

How very loving, and giving this marriage must be. She has the uterus, so she determines when the babies come? Yes, feminists, I heard that. Clearly I don't feel that we have any right to control when/if another person is born, but I also think that if you are going to make any life decisions in a marriage you need to make them together. So, I suppose if your fertility is something you're controlling then yes, it should be an equal decision. It shouldn't be JUST a woman's decision because she has the uterus. Could you imagine the uproar if I had posted a picture of ME holding up a sign that said; "My husband said 'I'll give you a baby the day you get 50,000 likes on FB' (Then laughed) Please like and Share!"? People would be livid! They would go on and on about my oppressive husband trying to control me, and "how dare he think he holds that kind of power, just because he has the sperm!" Double standards! Love 'em! Maybe that's part of why the divorce rates are so high in our country, everyone thinks marriage is all about them. Two people being self centered in a relationship is a recipe for disaster. It also completely goes against the concept of Biblical marriage, but I'm sure that's blindingly clear to those of you that care.

Also, adding to abortion culture much? The concept that a baby is an object to be decided upon just adds to the idea that a baby is an object to be decided against. So, if the baby comes and you aren't ready to give it to your husband are you just going to dispose of it? After all, it's nothing more than an object, right? This type of thing perpetuates the idea that babies aren't really human and aren't really worth preserving because they only suit our needs and wants. If they aren't coming in a time to suit us then we can just kill them, because they weren't what and when we wanted. 

In short, the message I get from this is selfishness. In so many ways. It makes me really upset to think about how many people think this way. They may not all hold up signs to prove it, but our culture in general feels this way. We feel that everything and everyone are meant to serve us and our purposes, and we feel that fertility is something we can and should control. God is the only one that can "give" you a baby. He is the only one that should be in charge of determining when they come. And marriage is a partnership. 

Embracing My Gift of Spiritual Motherhood.

There are many new terms and ideas that I've learned since becoming Catholic. Many times I'll see a word or a phrase used commonly in Catholic circles and be like; "What are they talking about?" As I Protestant I often talked to new Christians or people that weren't yet Christians and I would always find myself explaining words, phrases, or references that in my Christian circles were colloquial. I would often joke that when you accepted Christ, you also committed to learning a new language. As I've gone from Protestant to Catholic I've had to learn a whole new language. I knew more of it than I would have had I not been immersed in Christianity at all, but I've needed to learn a whole lot more! One of those is the idea of spiritual motherhood. I don't know that I had ever heard it previously, but now I seem to be hearing it constantly. Just about every time I've heard a Catholic speak on women or motherhood, I've heard this term included.

I recognized the concept as a beautiful thing, but kept thinking "I want more, I will not settle for that, I want to be an actual mom, not just a spiritual one." Lately I've heard more and more about this concept of spiritual motherhood, it's been everywhere! In a few of the e-mails I received on Mother's Day people would mention that I'm a mother to the children I have in my home for daycare, and to my nieces and nephew. The Friday before Mother's Day one of my daycare moms told me "happy Mother's Day" and when my face fell, reminded me that I am a mother to her child, and all of the children I care for. I've known these things, I know I love them as my own, and would do anything for them, and I know they love me, and value me, but I've always thought it wasn't enough.

I had a dream the other night where I was standing in front of a group of women talking about spiritual motherhood. I almost laughed when I reflected on it because that's not something I embraced, or wanted to settle for. And, being content in that would most certainly be settling. This morning as I got dressed I was thinking again about the concept of spiritual motherhood. If you've read much about my journey, then you know that sometimes God needs to beat me over the head with something before I'll listen!

On the way to church this morning I opened up my little purple book that my mom gave me some time ago called Promises for Life for Women, it's a nice little book with various topics that relate to women and some scripture to go along with that topic, and a small blurb of commentary. I opened it to a random page and almost groaned when I saw "Motherhood" was the topic I opened to, but then I saw the specific topic "Spiritual Motherhood" I had to read on, as this is a topic that I've been plagued by for a while. When I read the last paragraph I stopped, and I finally got it.

"Women do not have to carry, adopt, or raise children in order to qualify as spiritual moms. Instead we only need to display a willingness to use the gifts which God has entrusted us in order to nurture others and strengthen them in their faith." 

It clicked. As soon as I read that I had a flood of memories:
-A neighbor girl introducing me to a friend by saying; "That's Miss Amanda, she's like the town mom, if you do something bad, she'll tell you to not to, if you fall off your bike, she'll give you a bandaid, and if you need something, you just ask her."
-Taking a piece of dirt out a little one's mouth and my own husband saying; "Now, mom, it's just a little protein." ((and then covering his mouth when he realized his mistake))
-Counseling teenaged girls, and women older than myself.
-Comforting sick and hurting children.
-Worrying over the health, choices, and well being of so many.
-Loving unconditionally so many people.
-Welcoming children and their mothers into my home.
-Bandaging scrapes and cuts.
-Chasing away monsters, singing silly songs, and wiping away tears.
-Rocking little ones and reading The Word to them.

And so many other things. I am a mother, to many, many children. I may not have birthed them, and they may only call me "mommy" on accident, but spiritually, I am a mother.

How many times have I referred to my heart for children, and my instinct to mother as a curse? How many times have I questioned why God would give me these desires, and yet no children of my own? I'd been looking at it all wrong. I've been refusing to use my talents fully in the way He needs me to right now. I've been telling Him that this wondrous gift of spiritual motherhood wasn't enough. It is enough.

It's enough for those children that need it. It's enough for those teenagers that need me. It's enough for those women that seek my guidance. If it's what He asks of me, it's enough.

In his homily today Father said; "Don't bury your talents." That's exactly what I've been doing. I've been burying my talents, I've been denying the gifts I was given. My ability to love and nurture, my heart for children, my love for anyone that needs it, is not being wasted or used up.  My desire to mother has not gone unanswered. He has provided me with more children to mother and love and care for than I could have ever dreamed. I am a mother. Maybe not in a physical sense, but I do have a role to fill, I am not sitting around waiting on my life as a mother to begin, as I once thought. It's here. I am a mother, I am in the middle of my role, I just need to embrace my gifts, embrace what He has given me, and willingly answer His call to spiritual motherhood.

It's not settling, not at all. I can do great things for many children right here, right now. He has given me the heart full of love, and the ability to nurture. Now it's just up to me to use those gifts as fully as I can.

 I may be a physical mother one day, and I may never be. Either way, I am a mother. I am a loving, devoted mother, spiritually to many people. They need me now, and I am going to stop denying them the guidance and nourishment they need from me, I am going to stop burying my talents and hoping they'll grow, and I'm going to start using them, putting them to work, and by the grace of God, watch them flourish.

One little girl that needed some love from her aunt.

One of God's most wonderful works...YOU.

It looks like it's time for another modesty post. I seriously don't know why wanting to cover your body should be such a hotly debated topic, I mean, honestly, people. Babies are dying, and starving, and people are being murdered and abused and you want to yell about why my skirts are long, why I don't cut my hair often, why I wear three tops almost at all times, and why it matters. Fine. We'll talk about it, it IS important, it DOES need to be talked about, I just don't know why it ticks people off, I can think of about 5,000 things that tick me off , and modest people are not one of them. 

It all started when someone posted this picture with a comment about how horrible it is for people to want their daughters and wives to dress modestly. 

Toward the bottom of this post I talk about the churches/families that DO encourage this kind of dress for those reasons, and I state very clearly that I disagree with them. I also talk about taking it too far. So, there, don't even bring it up, I've covered it. Moving on. 

The picture here doesn't match the comment. I see two girls between the ages of 11-14, and a mom enjoying some time together. I don't see how it's "shapeless, sexless, adolescents" I think they all look appropriately dressed for their ages. Mom has a classic "mom sweater", and I would assume khakis on, it looks feminine, not sexless, and I can see her shape, without it being too baggy or too tight. Ditto on the girls, they look appropriately dressed to me, for their ages. Not too tight, not too loose, feminine, pretty, and yes *gasp* modest. 

To me this should say; "Modesty: You're doing it right" but, apparently I am a horrible, oppressive person that values people over clothing. I know, I know, worst role model EVER. You can stone me at the gates later. 

This idea that we dress this way to avoid rape is just ludicrous. Here you can read about my original shift in thought on this,  note that it has nothing to do with men. As I've continued in my modest journey, I have developed a deeper understanding of why I dress as I do. 

This started a debate with this person, they kept saying that the only reason "we" encourage modest dress is to teach young women to hate their bodies, and for fear of being raped, and that "we" think anyone dressed differently is a slut. Ummmm, no. 

"I dress this way because I love me. I love my body, it's unique, it's beautiful, it's special, and it's mine! When you have something special, precious, unique and sacred you take care of it, you love it, you cherish it. That's why I dress modestly, because I'm worth it. I don't dress frumpy or shapeless, I just cover what I have! I don't care if she's butt naked, no one has the right to force themselves upon a woman, EVER." 

That was part of one my replies (I have actually used that in two debates now) if you've read this letter, or this one you should know I don't hate women or want them to hate themselves. Duh. I just don't even understand how covering and cherishing yourself or your daughters could EVER be seen as hate. I feel like a goof for even having to post this. 

Anyone who rapes someone is at fault. PERIOD. Not the woman, not her skirt, not society, not drugs, not alcohol, not his mommy/daddy issues, HIM. Got it? I don't cover up for fear of abuse, I cover myself because I am awesome. My body is awesome. GOD MADE ME! Do you not get that? I am a work of art and only certain people (my husband) should be able to see the wonder that God made when He created me. 

YOU are a work of art too. God made you too! He loves you, He breathed life into YOU. YOU are a masterpiece of the First and Greatest Artist ever known. YOU are so spectacular and one of a kind that, yes, it should be "private viewings only" from the same person for the rest of your life. THAT is how precious your body is. 

Every roll, every dimple, every freckle, every stretch mark, every scar, every single inch of you is perfect, special and awesome. 

That, folks is why I dress modestly. I'm a narcissist. I know I'm worth it, because of who created me. I may not be the most attractive woman on the planet, but you know what? Don't tell my husband that, because he won't believe you. And YOU deserve someone who thinks that about you too, and you deserve to feel that way about yourself. 

This isn't hate, this is love. Love yourself, honor God with your adornments, thank God with your clothes for the awesome body He made you. Cover your body to remind your husband of his VIP access, his private showings to one of  God's most wonderful works...YOU.

Frumpy? Shapeless? Sexless? Oh well. 

UPDATE: A week of Amanda dressing modestly

God and Sweaters

I am domestically challenged. It's true, I love my husband dearly, and I try really hard, but the truth is, my tables are sticky, my book shelves are crammed full, my shelves are dusty, my floors always need swept, I always have baskets of clothes that need folded and put away, my dishes have water spots, my refrigerator is never cleaned out, I don't bake, and I drop or ruin something at least bi-weekly. And, I don't even have kids of my own! I try to be a good housekeeper, I really do, but I am just not wired that way, too much ingrained feminism.   Or maybe it's just me, and being all domestic and Martha like is simply not one of my talents. Today, I ruined a sweater. A brand new sweater. A sweater that I got to wear once, it was so pretty, and looked so good on me, and I ruined it. I don't get new things often (I have a terrible time justifying them) so, I'm really pretty bummed about it. It's through no fault but my own, I didn't read the tag, if I had, I would have seen that it said "Hand Wash, Lay Flat To Dry." I didn't read the tag, I didn't take the time to...honestly, even if I had, I still would have ruined it...I am also impatient, on top of being domestically challenged...I'm sure you're left wondering what talents and gifts I DO have, then....me too. So, I wouldn't have taken the time to hand wash the salsa that I spilled on it, the only time I wore it (I'm also clumsy) out of it, anyway. If I had, if I had followed the instructions, if I had bothered to read them, I would still have a cute sweater that looked good over the pretty purple shirt that I never wear because it's a bit too tight. I would have a sweater and not this:

As I was staring at my sweater in dismay, chastising myself for doing this AGAIN it hit me that my silly little unraveling sweater was so very representative of our lives. In life when we fail to read the care label, when we fail to follow the clearly printed instructions, our lives start to slowly unravel in the washing machine of life.  When we stop caring for and taking time to consider our spouses our marriages start to unravel.  When we stop doing our best at our jobs, they start to unravel. When we stop reading our Bibles and spending time in prayer, our faith lives start to unravel. 

How easy is it to ignore the instructions and go it alone? I never read care labels, and I only ruin about one piece of clothing a year...pretty decent odds when you're me. I grow complacent, I think "ah, I've done it before and nothing happened" or "I've followed the instructions so long and nothing has happened" We get in an attitude of it can't happen to me. We forget that life is fragile. Our faith lives take care and following instructions, our marriages take care and effort. 

I am so guilty. I go so long doing awesome, reading my Bible daily, spending good, quality time with God. When I do those things I am a pretty decent human being to be around. I cook good meals for my husband, I am sweet to the daycare kids, my house is a little cleaner, I'm happier, and more pleasant, the light of Christ is shining through me! For months I'll be at the top of my faith game...and then ONE day I'll forget to read the instructions. I'll skip my daily Bible reading...and then I'll skip some prayers...and then I won't make dinner...and then I'm a little grumpy...and whiny...and then I'm mad at God because nothing is going right.

My life starts to unravel. It starts unraveling because I didn't take the time. I didn't slow down and read the instructions. I chose not to follow the instructions. I had done so awesome for so long, one time isn't going to hurt. I failed to follow the instructions given to me, and my life started to unravel. It starts with one day, and then it's two...and then I've been a grump with a messy house, a hungry husband, a ruined sweater, an empty prayer life, and no Scripture for a month.

It's easy to unravel. It's easy to grow complacent. It's easy to miss a day. It's easy to think it couldn't happen to you. 

But, the amazing thing about God and sweaters? They forgive! God forgives you, you're still His child. You can get back on track. When you've fallen down He'll lift you up, He'll guide you back to the instructions He gave you. He'll show you what you need to do to mend your unraveling life. And with a lot of patience, some time, a few needle pokes, and a little focus, sweaters can be mended too: 

*jazz hands* The sweater is fixed!

Every time our lives start to unravel we need to look to the Instructions, and follow them. We need to make an effort to keep them from falling apart again. We need to make sure to follow the label exactly, and do as it tells us. Otherwise we'll always be mending sweaters, and begging forgiveness. 

Linking up at Matrimonial Mondays! 

The strength in being looked upon as weak.

Source

I walk to the door, step to the side, and wait. My husband comes, opens the door, and I walk through. We walk together, until the next door where this same scenario plays out.   Someone hearing this or seeing this outside of knowing us and how our marriage works would see me as a mean, spoiled brat. In fact, I've had several on lookers say to me, "how dare you expect a man to open your door, you're capable!" Yes, I'm perfectly capable of many things that I don't do for the sake of my husband. Now, maybe you don't know me well and are thinking; "Wow, what a spoiled brat, how full of herself." Just hold your horses, and I'll explain.

I have briefly mentioned before that I was born and raised a feminist, and am now in recovery. I used to be the type of woman that didn't want a man to do anything for her, I was perfectly capable, in fact, my grandma made sure I was perfectly capable. Contrary to popular belief I am quite capable and could be very self sufficient if need be. Not even kidding, I CAN change a tire, CAN check the oil, CAN take out the garbage, CAN change a fuse, CAN use a saw, drill, hammer, and screwdriver, and yes, I CAN even open a door, that doesn't mean I do, or should have to. Even in the beginning of our relationship I was still very "I can do it!" and didn't like for him to do things for me, he, being the gentleman that he is, allowed me to open doors, and be as independent as I thought I needed to be, but he didn't like it. He did it anyway, because at that point in our relationship that's what I needed. That's a big part in making any relationship work, adjusting, and sacrificing to meet the other person's needs.

Over time, as I've grown more comfortable and stronger in my femininity, as I've developed a deeper understanding of myself, my husband, and my marriage I've been able to let go and allow myself to be taken care of. I realize that in our society allowing a man to care for you in any way is seen as a great weakness, but in reality it is anything but. Allowing someone to care for you takes great strength in our society. I am often ridiculed for what is seen as "laziness" and being "spoiled" I have a society full of women telling me I am weak, and a family telling me I was "raised better than that." Truly I have to go against the grain, one has to be strong to resist the pressures to fit into society. I used to see women in marriages where Biblical submission is ((properly)) practiced and pity them, but now I see them and think; "What strength!" It's not that we're being oppressed or abused, which is a common misconception. It's that we're putting aside our selfish ways, our ingrained feminist ideals that tell us we have to do things on our own, and we don't need anyone to do anything for us. It takes extra time and consideration to wait for the door to be opened, the garbage to be taken out, the sink to be fixed, or the cabinet hinge tightened. I'm home, I could easily do it myself, but the light in my husband's eyes when he sees that I need him, and I depend on him, the joy that he has in being able to provide for and take care of his family is so wonderful, I can't take that away from him, it would be selfish to.

What you might not realize is that many women that have these types of marriages are actually very strong willed, independent, and capable. It is no small feat for them to allow themselves to be taken care of in anyway, it takes great discipline on their part, and is a sacrifice for the sake of their marriage. For me, it started out slowly, while we were dating, allowing him to buy dinner, open the door, and buy me things. I realized that even though I didn't NEED him to do those things, they helped him to feel wanted and needed, they made him feel important. So, over time as our relationship developed I allowed him to do more things for me, I swallowed my pride and stopped opening doors, stopped trying to pay, stopped trying to refuse gifts. I didn't become spoiled, dependent and expectant. I made a conscious effort to do those things for him, I saw the joy it brought him to do those simple little things for me. Now it brings me great joy to know that I am making him happy in simply allowing him to do these little things for me. It's not demeaning, and weak. It's sacrificial, and it's love. Simple as that, when you love someone you want them to be happy. Beyond that, as I've grown and started embracing my femininity more I have realized how great it feels to be protected and taken care of. I love knowing that he desires to care for me, and loves me, it makes me feel important and loved, and safe.

How beautiful that he loves me, and that he desires to care for me. It's so symbolic of God's love for us, His caring, sacrificial love for us, and how we must allow Him to care for us, as well. The Bible commands men to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and I think this type of love demonstrates that. God wants to be able to love you and help you, and care for you, but sometimes in our stubborn self sufficiency we think we can do it without His help, and try to refuse Him. He loves us so and wants to help us, and care for us. Our husbands love us and protect us, and care for us in a similar manner.

I make sure to never stop being grateful for his loving care of me. Even though he's opened probably hundreds of doors for me, changed countless light bulbs, taken the trash out every Monday morning, killed many spiders, paid for many dinners, purchased many gifts, and kept the house and cars from falling apart I always make great efforts to show him my appreciation, and to never grow complacent. I make sure to say thank you, and to show him I am thankful, as he does for me. Just as I rarely touch a door handle, fix a leaky sink, kill a spider, take out the trash, change a light bulb, or mow the lawn, he rarely does the laundry, washes dishes, mops the floors, dusts, sweeps, or scrubs the toilet. We have both fallen into our roles as what feels good and comfortable for us, what we're each good at, ways we can each care for the other. What your marriage looks like may be different, but this is the shape ours has taken, and it works for us. In my marriage, Tom loves to cook, so we split that about 50/50, I know in many marriages the woman does all of the cooking, but in my marriage that would be depriving my husband of something he enjoys to do. So, he cooks some nights, some nights we cook together, and some nights I cook. I am better with numbers so I keep track of all the bills and spending. I know in some marriages that's the responsibility of the husband, but I am better at it, so I take on that responsibility. I am blessed with a wonderful  husband that is more than willing to help me in anyway I need, so if I am running short on time, or getting a little overwhelmed he doesn't hesitate to pick up a broom or a dish towel. Likewise, I have been seen on the side of the road in a skirt helping to change a tire.

Marriage takes a lot of give and take, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of growth, a lot of determination, a lot of love, a lot of faith, and a lot of strength. Marriage takes a lot. But, it's worth it. Just, never be ashamed to allow yourself to be taken care of. I know at some points I have felt ashamed to admit that I depend so much on my husband, but I then realized, he depends on me as well, it's much more equal than it appears from the outside. Don't judge harshly those women that wait for their husbands to open the door, or wait for him to come to the rescue when she has a flat tire. You don't know how much strength it is taking her to allow herself to be cared for. You don't know how loved she feels when he cares for her. Marriages like ours tend to be judged harshly, I am often seen as weak, and submissive, codependent,and incapable. If you know me, you know the opposite is true.

So, the next time you see me wait on my husband to open a door, don't give me a dirty look. Realize that it's just one of the many ways I say,  "I love you" and his way of saying, "I love you too" without saying a word.


Linking up with: Matrimonial Mondays

How I've evolved as a wife.

Yes, this is from my wedding-the
groom's cake, it's a LONG story.

I was folding towels today and thinking about when we were first married, and Tom was so sweet, he folded all of the towels without being asked. And then like the big, ungrateful meanie I am, I went through and refolded every single towel, and grumbled the entire time about how I want them folded in thirds, I mean, how DARE he fold them the way he was taught! That poor man, I didn't say thank you, I didn't show any appreciation, I just stalked about and whined about how he didn't do it MY way...umm, hello idiot, he did it to be NICE, you didn't ask him to, he just did it to show you he loves you! I was so silly...okay, I can still be silly like that...but never like that, not anymore. I made my husband feel like crap for doing a sweet thing, and I made him feel like an idiot for not folding the towels the "right" way, I made him not want to do anything for me...and the poor man hasn't folded another towel...in three years! I scarred my husband for life, over towels!

TOWELS for heaven's sake. I'm embarrassed to even tell you how petty I was. I remembered what gave me fuel for that fire, I went Facebook to voice my annoyance with my new spouse over folding the towels in halves and not thirds, and I was backed up by nearly every married or living together female on my friend list, any sitcom I watched would tell me that my annoyance was totally justified. I didn't feel the least bit bad over my tantrum and selfishness for several months.

My mom was married a few times growing up, and none of those relationships were very stable, my grandma has never been married, and my dad and his family were a few hundred miles away, so i have never seen the way that a relationship should work, I've only seen fighting, arguing, violence, and been taught that women are superior, we don't need men, kids don't need dads, and men are simply stupid...except for the three that happened to have born into our family.

As you can probably tell, I had no clue what the heck I was doing, and I was almost positive that my marriage wouldn't last beyond a year...I mean, seriously, everyone in my family told me it was going to happen, everything in society told me it was inevitable, even though my relationship was stable and full of love, everything I knew, and had seen told me that marriages don't last.

About a year or so later we had delved deeper into our faith and who we are as Christians and people and I started to realize that it wasn't God's desire for my husband and I to break the bond that He had made, now, I need to clarify, I never WANTED a divorce, I never thought CONSCIOUSLY going into my marriage that it would end, I wanted a forever, and expected a forever, and I thought I knew what I was talking about, but looking back now, I can see that I never really believed that the way I do now. And, honestly it probably wouldn't have lasted very long if I had continued behaving the way I was.

Anyway, we're about a year into our marriage, and trying to conceive, and digging deeper into our faith, and my husband is still helpful, forgiving, giving, selfless, loving, caring, and just wonderful. He's still doing little helpful things that I don't ask him to (but never the towels) and I'm still a jerk. I've seen worse, but now I am better. Women were constantly telling me that they wished their husbands did the special little extras for them, opened doors, loved them as obviously as Tom does me, and every time I would smile politely and say "yeah, he's pretty great!" but then on the inside I would think something snarky about how he could be better. It was around this time that I noticed that although he was still doing awesome, above and beyond type things, but not as many, or as often.

Something in my head said "yeah, well, what are YOU doing to show him YOUR appreciation? You don't even THANK the man!" Holy cow! My entire universe fell in around me that night, I was the selfish one, I was the one that could do better, I was why we argued, I was an ungrateful BRAT. That night I sat down and bawled, and I asked God for forgiveness, and then when Tom got home, I apologized, I said thank you, and I begged for his forgiveness.

Since that day I've learned what really makes a marriage work: give and take. I can't just expect to sit on my pedestal and get spoiled to pieces without doing some spoiling in return. I'm not saying that my marriage is perfect, or that I'm wife of the year material, but I am saying that I have made a conscious effort to go above and beyond in showing him that I love and appreciate him, and in return I have a husband who is happy to come home to his wife, is willing to help with dishes, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, laundry((not towels-this has not been discussed since that day, just something I've noticed)) or anything else that needs done. A husband that gladly rubs my feet, takes out the trash every week, and opens doors for me.

I have learned to say thank you, even if it isn't just how I would do it, who cares if the towels are folded in half? I have learned to truly and honestly, wholeheartedly  appreciate the amazing gift that God has given me, and I have learned to do nice things for him too, and that while I appreciate foot rubs, not having to cook, and a swept floor, he appreciates when I make his lunches, write him little love letters and leave them in his lunch bag, and make his favorite treat just because.

So, the next time your spouse doesn't take the trash out the second you ask, folds the towels in halves and not thirds, or doesn't do dishes in the same order that you would, stop and think. Stop and thank them for doing it in the first place, and remember that many people aren't as lucky. It doesn't have to be perfect, just remember that it came from a place of love, nothing but pure love, and honestly, I'd rather he do something not quite perfect for me out of love, than something completely perfect out of anger and frustration.

Your annoyance may not be as simple as towel folding, you may be far less petty than I, but I'm just trying to say, before you get mad, stop and think, and say thank you, or just let it roll off your back.

Again, neither of us are perfect, but we've I've come a long way.

A note and some cookies I left in his lunchbox.
Yes, I'm aware I have the worst handwriting EVER. 

Linking up with:

Matrimonial Mondays 

An upcoming anniversary, and some engagement pictures.

Next week is our wedding anniversary! So, I'm not usually a sappy person...okay, I am totally a sappy person that wants to think she's not. Anyway, it just makes me happy to sit back and look at how far we've come, and how far we have yet to go. I thought I would share some of my favorite pictures from our engagement shoot, in anticipation of our anniversary, and if I remember I'll share some favorites from the wedding next week.

For our engagement pictures we went back to the spot he proposed, and pretty much just goofed off all day while she snapped pictures, we did very little posing, and it was very relaxed. It was so much fun, we laughed, danced, and even had a grass fight! Here are a few of my favorites! I had an awful time narrowing them down!

Here we are in the exact spot he proposed to me-he proposed on my birthday, after a wonderful picnic he packed, and a long walk to the "perfect" spot!

I look all sweet and blissful, and I still feel that way!

I love this one, it's like you can just feel the love from it...or maybe that's just me?

Dancing, randomly, in the middle of a field of grass, we still do this, in the kitchen...the living room...the backyard...on the way home from the fair, in the street.....

After the spin, these make us look far more coordinated than we actually are...

Some of the goofing off I was referring to (he didn't actually lick my eye)

His turn to look blissful!

Grass fight!

I love this one too! I feel comforted and loved with him. 

walking hand in hand...