Dear Baby, we're waiting.

I've shared with you before that I sometimes journal to my future children, when I shared this Christmas letter to my one day baby. I had some time off this morning and was moving some of our baby stuff upstairs, and thinking about who our baby would be, and when we'd meet them, where they would come from, how old they would be, etc. And I wrote this, and decided to share it with you fine people. We have had a few almost adoptions, and some moments where we thought we had a baby growing, but didn't. In each of those times we've jumped the gun and bought baby stuff, just to be left with the pain of an empty uterus, empty arms, and dressers full of baby stuff. The things I picture here are from those moments when we thought we were finally going to be parents. It's all just waiting on our baby to arrive!

My Dearest Child,
Today I was sitting amongst all the things we have for you, and praying for you, and thinking about how very much we love you, and how ready we are to meet you. We've thought you were on your way several times, but it was just false excitement. Those babies all ended up being other people's little miracles, and not ours. I get the feeling you're going to be a little trickster! So many times we thought you were coming to us in one form or another, and it ended up not being you! Each time we got ready for you, we tried not to, we tried to tell ourselves that it may not be you, but every time we got so excited to meet you! We went out and bought things for you each time! You're an enigma to us, dear baby, and a little secret about Mommy and Daddy is that we aren't very good at mysteries and puzzles, and we don't really like not knowing what's going to happen next, truth be told we're both a little impatient. We can't help it, our hearts are just so full of love for you. 

We just want to meet you, and tell you how much we love you. We want to snuggle you, sing to you, nourish you physically and spiritually, we want to watch you grow, kiss your boo boos, teach you about God, love, family, the stars and moon, about friendship and compassion, and maybe even about math, science, history, and reading. We want to share our lives with you. We want to rejoice in your accomplishments, and comfort you in your bad times. We want to rock you to sleep, and chase away your nightmares. We want to see who you become, and love you every step of the way. 

We often wonder about you, what will you look like? Will you come from Mommy's tummy? Will you come from another local mommy's tummy? Will you come from a mommy's tummy in another country? Will we get to feel you grow in my tummy, watch you grow in someone else's, or will we not see you until you make your way into the world? Will we meet you the day you're born, or will you be six weeks, or six years old before we finally get to see you? Will you have Daddy's red hair, Mommy's blue eyes, or be a beautiful diamond shining brightly and differently than the rest of us? Will you like sports like Daddy, books like Mommy, or introduce us to something new? Will you be an early bird or a night owl? Will you be outspoken like Mommy or reserved like Daddy? What will you be when you grow up? 

Whoever you are, whatever you look like, whatever way you come to us, whatever your interests, we love you. We're waiting in great anticipation, and we're ready for you. 

We're ready to change your cloth covered bum:


We're ready to hold you tight, and wear you in a ring sling, mei tai, or wrap:



We're ready to feed you messy foods:



We're ready to tuck you in at night:



We're ready if you're a boy:



Or a girl:


We're ready to take you to church:


We're ready to bundle you up:

Or just let you wear a t-shirt and jeans:




No matter when, or how you come to us, we're ready. We're not ready because of all this stuff we have for you, we're not ready because of all the things we've read. We're ready because of you. All of the love we've grown in our hearts for you over the last several years, all the lessons you've taught us in patience, all the prayers we've said for you. Sweet little one, you have already taught us so much about ourselves, each other, and God. You've strengthened us in ways we didn't know we were weak. You have prepared us for you. And continue to every day. We love you more than words can say, and I know in all this waiting you're showing us to appreciate and cherish life, and most of all YOU, our darling child. 

In great anticipation of you,
Love,
Mommy. 

Our children have taught us so much about life, love, and God, and they aren't even here yet! We're just continuing to pray, and wait, and grow, and love them more and more all the time! As always, please pray for me, and if you are struggling to conceive as well, know that I pray for you daily. I always lift up all of those trying to conceive and pray that one couple receives their blessing, and that one orphan receives their family! I have faith that one day God will unite us with our child(ren) but until then, we pray.


Linking up at Matrimonial Mondays (I know it's not all that "matrimonial" but children ARE part of a Christ-centered marriage, and I know I'm not the only one longing for children, so I thought it appropriate) 

My apology to young women.

Source

Sometimes I like to write random open letters to various people/objects/places for various reasons as Facebook statuses. I've shared a love letter to women with you before, I've recently written one to my favorite steak house, and least favorite dog owners, most of them are silly, and not really worth sharing, however, I am occasionally insightful, or so I think. I think this one I wrote the other evening is worth sharing. It's my apology to young women.

Dear Young Women of the World,

I wish we did better jobs of living out our lives in such a way that we could be a positive example for you. I wish we told you more often how awesome, and wonderful, and worth while you are. I wish we modeled self confidence, and self love better. I wish we showed you that you can be confident, without being arrogant. That you could be beautiful, without being immodest. That we showed you better that you can be strong, and independent without being cold and callous. That we told you more often that you have more value than your body. I wish we did a better job of showing you that you don't have to fit into any mold that Hollywood gives you to be the amazing, super awesome person you were created to be.

For all of this, I am deeply sorry. If I have ever been one of those women that ever showed you any such example, I am so, so sorry. I don't say it often enough. Your value is not in what other people think of you. Your value is not in who you sleep with. Your value is not in who you are dating. Your value is not in what you wear. Your Value is not in how you do your hair and make up. Your value is not in the number on the scale. Your value is not in who your friends are. Your value is in who YOU are, in your heart.

I see all of these women my age and older that are only happy if they have a boyfriend, dress in tight/short clothes, can't walk out the door without painting on the makeup, call themselves "fat" constantly, only wear certain clothes, believe that if they aren't sleeping with a man, they will lose him, believe that in order to be respected they have to be rude, and harsh, think that they must put other women down to prove that they are better. I realize that we are leading you right down this same path that we were led down.

I am sorry. This attitude is wrong. You are beautiful just the way you were made. You don't need a boyfriend, and you certainly don't need a boyfriend that expects you to do anything you don't want to do, and I mean that in everything from dressing/looking/acting a certain way to having sex. You are better than that. You can be a better example to the next generation, than we have been to you. I also apologize to the women of my age and older, that anyone ever made you feel that way, again, it's not true.

Remember that we are all works of God, created in HIS image, knit together by HIS hands, not the world's.

((Hopefully)) On Behalf of all women older than you,

Amanda 

A Christmas letter to my one day baby.

Source

Sometimes I journal to my future child(ren). I know that may seem weird to some people because they don't actually exist, and may never exist, but it helps me cope. It makes the dream of having children seem more tangible  when I feel I have no hope left, it helps to feel like they will one day read the words I am writing to them. I want to be able to show them one day, I want them to see how much they were loved before they were even created. I want them to know how many tears, prayers, and love went into making them. I want them to know that no matter how they came to us, we loved them even before hand, we've prayed for them every day since our wedding. I want them to know how deeply they are and always will be loved. I also want to remind myself how much I loved those babies even before they were born, how much I longed for midnight feedings, teething toddlers, and mouthy tweenagers. When I've been up for twenty four hours straight with a colicky newborn, have been bitten for the twentieth time in a day, or have a thirteen year old that thinks I'm "the meanest mom, EVER" I want to have these to remind me of this time, I want to be reminded of how I longed for all of the bad, right along with the good. I may lose sight of this longing I have for my children once they arrive. I never for one second want to lose the wonder and awe that is being a mom, even in those horrible moments. So, I want these letters to serve as a reminder, for me, when I need it, and for a declaration of love for my children.

I never thought I would share any of them publicly, but I was looking back today and found this one that I wrote last Christmas, and thought I would share it with you. Christmas is by far the hardest time of the year to be childless (next is Mother's Day) I am feeling much better this year than I was then, but I'm not going to lie, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. I do still feel at peace, but that doesn't mean I don't still get a twinge of jealousy once in a while, or a little bummed this time of year. Anyway, I thought I would share this in hopes that someone else may be feeling the same, or that you may know someone who's struggling, and it may help to remind you to be gentle with them. Also, this is from LAST YEAR, so this is our fourth Christmas, not third =)

My Dearest Child,

 It's December, my favorite, and least favorite time of the year. I love Christmas because it's the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior...but, I also struggle with it because we don't have you in our lives yet. This will be our third Christmas praying for you, and wishing you were here. It's hard to celebrate the birth of a child, when you are struggling to have your own. I so desperately want you here to celebrate with us. I can't wait to see the wonder and amazement in your eyes, the joy on Christmas morning, to have our tree decorated with construction paper ornaments made by you, to watch Daddy hold you up to put the angel on the top of the tree, to read to you the account of Jesus's birth, to tell you all about why Christmas is so wonderful, and important. I can't wait to share everything with you! 

Sometimes it's so hard to watch other people get ready and talk about how much their children enjoyed Christmas, and we don't have that. We don't have you yet. It's so hard to go shopping for other people's kids, when I just wish I had you to buy things for. This year has been a little harder than the last two because Aunt Anna is pregnant, and as exciting as it is to look at things for your cousin, I desperately wish I were picking them out for you. I just love you so much. I think the thing that makes Christmas so hard is seeing everyone else celebrating with their children, and so happy and full of joy, and wrapped up in their kids, and celebrating life. Daddy and I love each other so much, and love celebrating together, and with family, but we feel like you're missing from the picture. We can't wait to meet you, and share everything with you. 

I know that one day we'll all be celebrating together. I know one day we'll get to see the excitement on your face on Christmas morning, one day our tree will be filled with your creations, one day you'll put the angel on top of the tree, one day you'll share in the celebration of the miracle of Jesus's birth, one day I will get to buy you presents. One day God will finally let us know that we're ready to meet you. Until that day comes I'll keep praying for you, loving you, hoping for you, and waiting for you. I hope to be the best mommy I can be for you. I hope to make all your Christmases memorable, I want you to know how much you were wanted, and thought about, and even a little extra so this time of year. Who knows, maybe next Christmas I'll be reading you this letter? 

 Love,

Mommy

Unfortunately, I won't be reading this letter to my babes this year, but maybe next? I don't know. I do know that for whatever reason, this time of year is a little harder, it stings a little more. Please pray for me, and I'll be praying for all of those mothers without children going through the same thing. I hope this gave you a little insight into what it's like to be without a child this time of year.


(I edited out a few of the more personal bits)

   

My love letter to all women.

I actually wrote this as a "note" on Facebook over a year ago, but have been thinking about putting it here for some time, so I finally decided I would.

I'm sitting here, on Facebook, avoiding finishing the dishes, browsing around and noticing something pretty scary. Tons, and I mean tons, not just one or two or five, but a whole bunch of beautiful young women-all of them so incredibly amazing people in their own rights-allowing themselves to be treated craptastically by little boys not even worthy of a glance from these amazing women, and I can't help but ask myself why on earth would anyone allow themselves to be treated this way? Why would anyone treat another person this way to begin with?

My heart hurts for all of you, and know that not a single one of you deserve to be treated in the ways that you have. You don't have to put up with boys who behave in those ways, real MEN still exist. I know it feels like just because they aren't here today, or because they all seemed so different, that they don't exist, but trust me, they do. There is a man out there who will love you and care about you, and treat you like you deserve. A man who will talk to you about what's wrong, not switch his relationship status to single with out a word. A man who will love you and your children, not just give you false promises, and then walk out. A man who would never raise a hand to you in anger. A man who would rather spend an evening watching chick flicks, and looking up at the stars than having sex with you, not because he doesn't want to have sex with you, but because he cares about you, himself, and your relationship enough not to throw it away. A man who will only tell you how beautiful, smart, and funny you are, a man who would never even think that you were ugly, stupid, or lazy, and especially wouldn't say it to you, no matter how angry he was. A man who will listen, and talk a situation out with you, not some one who will blow up and yell and not give your side a chance. A man who deserves you.

You all deserve that, each and everyone of you. Please stop settling, stop dealing, stop trying to change them, stop trying to make them love you by being some over sexed up Hollywood fantasy. Start being you. Hold out for someone worthwhile. Respect yourself, and your body enough to BE worth their while. Stop sleeping with every man who calls you beautiful and waits two weeks to have sex with you, and then dumps you, or cheats on you. Stop taking back men who have cheated on you, called you names and treated you like crap. Start respecting yourselves, start saving more of yourselves. Every man you sleep with has a part of you, you've given that to him, you will never be able to get those parts back. How many of those parts do you want to be left when a real man does come along? How many do you hope he has left to share with you?

I know I've gotten a little corny and speechy here, but it's what's on my heart tonight. I sincerely care about each and every one of you I just hope and pray that you beautiful women finally start seeing your worth, start seeing how amazing you are, and how much you deserve.

Love,
Amanda

I thought that it may ((hopefully)) do some good on a larger scale than just my private Facebook page.