Stop Using God as An Excuse for Hate

When we say "bigot" generally a certain image comes to mind. Often times a Bible thumping, fire and brimstone preaching, snake handling, overweight, red faced, middle aged, white dude in a cheap, ill fitting suit. Right? Yes, sometimes bigots look like that, and other times they look like this:









Let's start with defining bigot, shall we?

big·ot

noun \ˈbi-gət\: a person who strongly and unfairly dislikes other people, ideas, etc. : a bigoted person; especially : a person who hates or refuses to accept the members of a particular group (such as a racial or religious group)


Now, I'm sure you're all thinking I've done lost my ever loving mind. Of course liberals can't be bigoted, bigots are only religious right wingers, right? Nope. No, a bigot is ANYONE that strongly and unfairly dislikes others. Liberal, conservative, religious, atheist, it doesn't matter. And, yes, I'm calling Macklemore out on being bigoted. And disrespectful.

I was watching the GRAMMYs while reading, when Queen Latifah caught my attention. I looked up just in time for Macklemore to start singing "Same Love" I've seen the video once before, and noticed the clear angst towards religion, specifically Catholics. It bothered me, but I sort of just shrugged it off. Don't we all? We just say; "Oh, well, that's how the world is, nothing we can do to fix it." And move on with our lives. We're complacent while people blatantly attack our religion and make false, broad generalizations about us. We sit back and allow ourselves, and the God we claim to love to be mocked and ridiculed while we do nothing. I'm just as guilty as the next person.

As I watched him perform this song the other night, I didn't just shrug it off and chalk it up to our culture, I got angry. I watched him stand up on that stage and sing the words "When I was at church they taught me something else If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned" and as he did so, he made the sign of the cross. That beautiful, powerful prayer was mocked, and no one cared. He wasn't doing it in reverence and love. He was being blasphemous, hateful, and bigoted. When I watched him do that, an image popped into my head from just earlier that morning.

On Sunday the sweetest old lady sat behind us at Mass, she was wearing a rosary with an Our Lady of Guadalupe medal. Some of you know this, and some of you don't, but we have a baby living here right now...okay, so she's more like a toddler((16 months)). Kid has a serious love of Jesus and Mary, pointing out their images whenever she sees them, sometimes yelling out "Jesus" in the middle of Mass, with arms raised up to the statue of Jesus. So, she spots this lady's rosary immediately, and literally dives over the pew to get to it, all the while saying "Mary Jesus Mama" I am mortified at her outburst. The woman reaches out and picks her up, cuddling her close, and encouraging her to say "Jesus" they were totally smitten. The baby pressing the medal to the woman's lips, the woman smiling broadly and kissing it, then the baby would hold the crucifix up to her new friend and she would kiss it. I was glad the woman wasn't offended at the diving baby. She just has a love all people that love Jesus. This is not our first rodeo with people wearing religious jewelry near her, thankfully people that wear religious jewelry tend to be pretty tolerant of little people . So, after Mass is over the woman starts talking to us, and we covered like ten topics, and then we started on my conversion, and her reversion. She was so excited! Me too!She looks at me, her eyes bright with happy tears and says, "The most powerful prayer we have is this" and with more reverence than I have ever seen in my life, she fixed her eyes on the crucifix just above the altar and made the sign of the cross, she bowed as she said "amen" and then she looked heavenward, and just above a whisper she added; "and thank You for the power in that simple prayer" It was the most simple, beautiful display of faith I think I've seen, ever. She was so sincere, you could literally feel it. It gave me chills watching this older woman, her faith oozing from her pores. It wasn't a show, it wasn't put on, it is part of her. Who she is. Her faith is so ingrained in her, she loves the Lord so much you can see Him shinning through her. Oh, to have faith like that.

That is how it should be prayed. Not on a stage to make a point. Not only did he use this important prayer to mock our religion, the entire stage was set up to resemble a cathedral, there was even a choir akin to a church choir. How do we think this is acceptable? The song is clearly a misguided attack on our religion. The author doesn't really get the teachings on marriage and why they are the way are. Though, that I'm not going to hold that against them. That, I hold against us. Christians don't do a very good job of explaining our issues with with same sex marriage. But, I'm not going to go into all that right now.

Right now I want to talk about the double standards in this country. If I was up on that stage and started singing about and mocking Muslims, you had best believe someone would have noticed and I would be all over the TV, radio and newspapers for being "bigoted" and hateful. So....what's the difference? I see two groups of people using the same shield of hate, from opposite sides. You have the religious bigots claiming Jesus as a reason to hate others, and the non-religious bigots doing the same thing. They are literally fighting the exact same battle, with the exact same weapons...but from opposite sides. It makes me dizzy just thinking about it.

Why is it not okay for me to mock Jews, gays, Muslims, or blacks, but it's perfectly acceptable for anyone that wants to, to mock me? I don't want to go around and start mocking these groups. I don't want to mock anyone, I love people. I believe all people are deserving of respect and love. Why do I believe that? Because I'm a Christian. Because I believe that we were all created by, and are loved by God. Who am I to reject someone that Christ loves? No one. Not my place. If you are loved by Jesus, you are loved by me.

Now, I want to get one thing straight; loving you, caring about you, being there for you, and praying for you is not the same as agreeing with and indulging every life choice you make. I don't agree with a lot of choices that people I love make, but that doesn't make me love them any less. I love them despite our disagreements.

I am not at all, in any way, shape, or form condoning same sex marriage. Don't go putting words in my mouth. However, that gives me no right to hate gay people. I simply cannot. They are people, and as people deserve my love and respect, period. Not my indulgence, but my respect. We tend to get those lines blurred in our culture. They aren't the same thing. My not supporting same sex marriage will not stop me from chowing down on some Chinese food with a dear friend that knows I don't agree with his lifestyle, and you know what? He still loves me too! Because we aren't five. We see past our differences, and see a person that we love, and care for. A person that has shared interests, and a shared love of dry humor and crab ragoons. We see people that we care about.

The red faced preacher and Macklemore have the same way of tackling this issue. With fear and hatred. They both want to be right, they both try to turn their followers against the other, they both use my God to cover up an unjustified hate, they are both scared that the other will prove them wrong, they both think they have to yell louder than the other, and they both think they've got it all figured out.

They're wrong. None of us do. It's not okay to bully gay kids. It's not okay to mock prayer. It's not okay to tell people they're going to hell because you say so. It's not okay to denounce all religion just because it cramps your style. It's not okay to use God as an excuse to hate anyone, ever. It's not okay to be bigoted.

It is okay to say that you disagree with someone. It is okay to love someone regardless of your views in life. It is okay to accept that people think differently than you. It is okay to stop hating and judging. It it okay to start trying to see the other side.

Both sides need to do a better job of understanding this issue. I see so many Christians that have no clue why they don't agree with it, they just do because the red faced preacher told them to. They take that and turn it into hate. I see so many liberals that have no idea why Christians disagree with same sex marriage. They once heard the red faced preacher quote Leviticus, and they took that as the only reason. They turned that into hate for what they don't know and don't understand.

Both sides are missing a huge piece of the puzzle. I can't begin to tell you the number of times I've heard someone start to whine about the Christian bigots and their hatred of gay people, and I've cut them off and asked them what they really know about what the Bible says and what we believe and why, and they have no clue. You want to know the crazy part? Majority of the time they go into the conversation wanting to punch me, and come out hugging me, and still not agreeing with me, but understanding that I'm not being hateful, bigoted, or intolerant. Believe it or not, they often come out understanding why Christians don't support same sex marriage. Why? Because instead of yelling and preaching at them, I took the time to love and respect them. I took the time to research and understand it, and I took the time to explain it to them, lovingly.

In closing, stop mocking my prayer, and my religion. Stop using God as an excuse for hate, no matter what side you're on. And, take the time to understand WHY we feel the way we do. Stop being bigoted, no matter what side you're on.

And hug someone. I am so sick of all this bashing and hate. Just go hug someone, we'll all feel better.

In Response to Attention Seeking Facebook Posts

We've all seen those pictures floating around Facebook, someone holding up a sign saying something along the lines of; "1,000,000,000 likes and my mom will get me a puppy!" or "250,000 likes and my sister names her kid Darth Vader!" You know what I'm talking about. Generally I just roll my eyes and continue along my merry way. Today I saw one that stopped me in tracks. It made me hurt and angry, and not at  the person holding the sign, but at our society and the way we view things.

My first thought was; "It's just someone's idea of a joke." True enough, that is likely exactly what is. But, it's not funny in the least. I'm not even sure where to begin on this one. So many problems here. 

Let's start with the broad idea of these types of posts. Notability. The only reason people ever post these types of things is to get noticed. Obviously. They want to get people talking, of course it works, here I am talking about them! I find that in itself really sad. The ridiculous lengths people will go to to get noticed. Are we that starved for attention? Or is it that we dish attention out in such hearty portions that we're always craving more? It's so strange, all of this viral sensation stuff. It's actually really easy to be noticed on social media these days. All you have to do is take a crazy photo, make an alarming video, or publicly shame your kids, and BAM! Fifteen seconds of fame on a silver platter.  Honestly, it's so ridiculously easy and "mainstream" to have a bit of fleeting social media notoriety that I don't even know why anyone bothers. That's just me...I recently realized I'm becoming a hermit, so I'm clearly not in the mood to become a viral sensation for a quarter of a minute...I'm too much of a hipster for all that nonsense. Anywho, back to my point, I find this type of pleading for attention really sad. I find it even sadder that it's not coming from a lack of attention given to us, but more of an over abundance. Anytime that lessens or isn't enough anymore we then have to seek it out on these huge national and global platforms. That's really depressing, and a huge reflection on our culture. Not only that we are so used to receiving gobs of attention that we have to take to such displays, but also that we don't have better things to devote our attention to. Things are so fleeting in our culture that people like this guy are a dime a dozen and there will be another along tomorrow. So, the little bit of notability he's gained from this will be replaced by something similar in the morning.

After our need for attention is the need for approval. "I need 50,000 people to like this to feel important and validated for my desire for_____" That's really what these are all saying, isn't it? So funny that in a culture of "to each their own" and "don't judge anyone for anything" we care so much about what others-complete and total strangers-think. The whole premise of these types of posts is rooted in the need for attention and approval. We're a self centered lot aren't we? 

Now that we've covered the generals, let's talk specifics shall we? As soon as I read the words "I'll give you a baby..." I cringed. GIVE. GIVE?!?!?!? You GIVE someone a CD, an ugly sweater, a fruit cake. A baby is a living, breathing human being not an object to be given on the whim of someone else. Again, this is not an attack on this guy, I'm just using this example because it encompasses so much of the problems in our society. We view people as objects so much it's no wonder that we can easily equate a child to a sweater. Oh, I get asked when I'm going to "give" my husband a child, and my mother a grandchild all the stinking time. The answer to that is never. No, I'm not saying I'm never going to get pregnant or adopt ((this is a Catholic infertility blog for crying out loud)) I'm saying that I'm never going to birth or adopt a child to appease someone else's desire for a new title. Because a child is not an object, but a little tiny human being belonging only to God and themselves it's not really my place to go giving them away like I did a basket of fudge the other day, now is it? No. I may one day birth/adopt a child that will change my husband's title to "dad" and mine to "mom" but I am never going to "give" him or myself, for that matter, a child. A person is not an object to be desired and given. A child is a person deserving of love, care and respect from the moment of conception to the moment of death. Sure, they may depend on me for a time, or perhaps for their entire lives, but that does not give me ownership over them, and that does not make them an object to be tossed aside with last year's iPhone. I have never in my life owned an iProduct, just sayin'

Secondly, the concept that having children is something we do just because it suits us. Here's where I'm going to be a selfish person. I bleeping hate it when I hear people say; "We decided if we were going to have kids, we better get it done, so we did." or "I'll have a baby when___" I decided I'd have a baby approximately nine months after my wedding. That worked out well, didn't it? For those of us that would give their left foot for a chance at parenthood these things are really hurtful and inconsiderate. How do you think the woman that has been desperately longing for a child for the last ten years feels when you casually talk about whether you'll "give" your spouse a baby or not? It breaks her heart to hear you casually discuss how much power you have to determine when, if and how you'll have children just like you're picking out which sweater you'll buy. No, we shouldn't center everything we do and say around how others feel, but in situations like this it certainly doesn't hurt to take into consideration that while you just get to wake up one morning and decide whether or not you'll become a parent other people are waking up in a pool of tears from another night of longing and want for something you casually toss aside.

How very loving, and giving this marriage must be. She has the uterus, so she determines when the babies come? Yes, feminists, I heard that. Clearly I don't feel that we have any right to control when/if another person is born, but I also think that if you are going to make any life decisions in a marriage you need to make them together. So, I suppose if your fertility is something you're controlling then yes, it should be an equal decision. It shouldn't be JUST a woman's decision because she has the uterus. Could you imagine the uproar if I had posted a picture of ME holding up a sign that said; "My husband said 'I'll give you a baby the day you get 50,000 likes on FB' (Then laughed) Please like and Share!"? People would be livid! They would go on and on about my oppressive husband trying to control me, and "how dare he think he holds that kind of power, just because he has the sperm!" Double standards! Love 'em! Maybe that's part of why the divorce rates are so high in our country, everyone thinks marriage is all about them. Two people being self centered in a relationship is a recipe for disaster. It also completely goes against the concept of Biblical marriage, but I'm sure that's blindingly clear to those of you that care.

Also, adding to abortion culture much? The concept that a baby is an object to be decided upon just adds to the idea that a baby is an object to be decided against. So, if the baby comes and you aren't ready to give it to your husband are you just going to dispose of it? After all, it's nothing more than an object, right? This type of thing perpetuates the idea that babies aren't really human and aren't really worth preserving because they only suit our needs and wants. If they aren't coming in a time to suit us then we can just kill them, because they weren't what and when we wanted. 

In short, the message I get from this is selfishness. In so many ways. It makes me really upset to think about how many people think this way. They may not all hold up signs to prove it, but our culture in general feels this way. We feel that everything and everyone are meant to serve us and our purposes, and we feel that fertility is something we can and should control. God is the only one that can "give" you a baby. He is the only one that should be in charge of determining when they come. And marriage is a partnership. 

Thanks!

I can be kind of a whiner, I know this. I've written several posts about all of the negative reactions to my conversion, and have been so wrapped up in all the hate that people have spewing my direction that I have forgotten to slow down and appreciate all of the positive people, and all of the support. So, today I am taking a moment to slow it down and count my blessings.

While, yes, I have had lots of negative reactions, I have also had many positive reactions. After I posted "I'm Sorry"  I recieved ten e-mails, TEN, TEN I couldn't even believe it, that night I had person after person reaching out to me, many I hadn't talked to in YEARS. It made me cry. So many people just dropping me a line to let me know they still loved me, and were thinking about me, and were sorry about what I was going through. It was so humbling, so beautiful, and such a reminder that I am loved and I do have people in my corner! If that was you, if you reached out to me and reminded me you are here for me, THANK YOU!!! I mean that, from the depths of my heart, you touched me and I won't forget it.


I have also received many phone calls, text messages, and people coming up to me in the store, or on a walk to let me know that they love me and still support me too. I have had support from some family, clergy, store clerks (at Catholic stores) and even many strangers on here. For every negative reaction, I have had a positive one, they were just so spread out that I failed to recognize it at first! If any of those people were you, THANK YOU!!! 

I am so immensely blessed. I really do forget to slow down and appreciate it. To all of those that have supported me, lifted me up, prayed for me, and loved me through all of this, thank you, I love you, too! You are the ones that have gotten me through this. You have no idea, I have had some awful days and then I get an e-mail or call or text, or run into one of you, and you give me the encouragement and the strength to move forward!

It's so amazing that God always provides! To all of you that allowed Him to work through you, I can't thank you enough. It means the world to me!

Keep praying for me. I still need it. I can't promise I'll be able to keep my blessings in check every day, and let the bad stuff get me down again, but I can tell you that all of your prayers and support have held me up throughout this painful process.

THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!

I'm sorry.

I have let people down. I have hurt too many people that I care about. I am tired of cringing when I answer my phone to a number I haven't seen in awhile  I am tired of praying it's not a hateful e-mail when I open my inbox. I am tired of hoping people don't see me in case they're mad at me too. I'm tired of looking at my Facebook profile to see that more people have deleted me. I'm tired of seeing hurt in everyone's eyes. I'm tired of the disappointed voices and the pointed promises of prayer. I'm just tired.

I'm only human. I'm only doing what I can to honor God the best I can. I'm just doing what I feel called to do. I'm just going where I feel God is leading me. I'm just doing my best.

Most of the reactions I've gotten have been of hurt and disappointment, a few of anger, overwhelmingly confusion, but today I realized the one thing that many of these people are all feeling, but not expressing, the one emotion that cuts me to the quick. The one conversation that made all of the others seem pleasant. Betrayal.

Someone expressed a new thought to me today, a thought of betrayal. It was like a swift kick to the gut knocking all the wind right out of me. "Amanda, I trusted you. You were the most faith filled person I knew. I thought you loved God, but now you don't. How could you lie to me like that?" This person sought me out for spiritual advice and counsel, they listened to me, they trusted me, and now they feel betrayed, and I feel like I've betrayed them. I know in my heart I haven't. I still believe everything I believed at the time I gave that counsel. I am still a Christian. I still love God above all else. But, the fact that they feel like I have is enough to make me feel it too. I feel like the worst person ever.

I know that this is just another case of not understanding the Catholic faith, but this is so much more personal. Every person I have let down is someone I deeply care about. Hearing this person express feelings of betrayal to me brought it all into perspective. They aren't the only one that feels that way, but the only one brave enough to tell me to my face.

I am completely heart broken by all the people I have let down. That's the last thing I would ever want to do.  My intent has never been to hurt anyone. But, I have. I have hurt a lot of people. I am so, so sorry. Know that it pains me greatly to know that I have hurt you, and that you feel I have betrayed you, I have never intended to do so.

I do still love God.

I am still a Christian, as all Catholics are.

I still read my Bible, as the Catholic Church is based in scripture. Go to Mass just once, it's so beautifully steeped in scripture, it's just amazing. Also, easy to pick up on if you're familiar with your Bible. You'll immediately recognize where so much of it comes from, it's just the most beautiful celebration.

I still pray to God.

I still believe in the Trinity-Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

I still believe Jesus Christ is God in flesh, born of  a virgin, He was crucified, died, buried, and rose again, all for me and my sins.

I am still a daughter of the One True King.

I still believe the Bible is the true, inspired word of God.

I still believe. I am still me. I still love you. I still pray for you. I hope and pray that you'll forgive me. I pray that you'll look further into Catholicism and not just settle for hearsay, but discover the Truth for yourself.

I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm sorry I've let you down. I am truly and deeply sorry. It kills me to know how you feel. I pray that one day you'll be able to forgive me, to be able to trust me again. If and when that day comes, know that I forgive you, I love you, and I am not going anywhere, my arms are open, waiting and ready. You are still a beloved and dear friend.

Know that I'm hurting over the loss of you, too.

What does it feel like to be a hardcore Protestant converting to Catholicism?

It feels pretty yucky, honestly. Well, not the converting part, that's awesome (I hope to write more about that) the telling people part is the yucky part, that makes me feel bad. Something you have to remember about me when reading about my conversion is that I am not coming from a place of little faith, no faith, or lukewarm faith. I am someone that is more than a pew warmer, someone that deeply cares about every single member of the church I am leaving, and someone that is "on fire" for God. That makes it a little better, and a little worse. Better in that I already have a good faith foundation, that I can bring all the awesome things from the Protestant church that the Catholic church is lacking with me, I already know and appreciate most of the liturgy, and celebrations, it's more of a deepening for me.

It's also worse though, I'm hurting so many people. So many people are taking it as a personal insult thinking that they did something wrong. If anything they did something right, they encouraged me to go to my Bible every day, they taught me to pray about everything, trust in God with my whole heart, and follow wherever He leads. Those are the practices that are bringing me to the Catholic church. God is bringing me, and I know that. But, I also know that the people I am hurting won't see it that way.

Fulton J. Sheen said, “There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.” How true has this proven to be as I've told people about my conversion, a few people have been nonchalant about it, Catholics have been stoked, but the majority have been bummed, hurt, angry, and worried for the sake of my soul. Which in turn hurts me, these are people I dearly, dearly love, people that I consider family-some ARE family, and I'm hurting them. I hate hurting people, that's never my intent. My only intent is to serve God, and I know that's what I'm doing, and that that trumps all else. But, I don't know how many times I can have my heart broken by breaking hearts. 

Someone I told stared at me, tears in their eyes, and said "...but, you're so smart, and you love the Lord, and you read your Bible, and you're so close to God, you're so studious in your faith." That broke my heart. I know I let this person down, I know they will never understand this. I know they were shocked, and have no idea what to think. But when I replay those words in my head I become hurt all over again. When I replay most of the conversations I've had I become hurt and begin crying all over again. 

I knew I would be met with opposition, I just didn't realize how painful that would be. Of course, I'm not angry at these people, it's not their fault, they don't understand.  They are just worried by what they perceive the Catholic church to be, I get that. I forgive them. But, it's still painful.

Through the pain comes the reassurance, the knowledge, that even though it's not easy, even though it hurts like heck, I am on the path that God is leading me to, I am where I need to be, doing what I need to do. Not for me, if it were just for me I would have given up months ago. It's for God. It's answering His call on my life. No matter what I have to endure I know it's for the Greater Good, and that makes all the pain, hurt, tears, and lost relationships entirely worth it.

I ask for your prayers, patience and understanding as I make this change in my life. 

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."-John 15:9

What to say to a struggling friend.

Original source of photo not found,
let me know if you know, so I can credit them!

I just got off of the phone with my adorable, lovable little sister, we were discussing trying to make babies and how hard it is for some people, and how she didn't realize how many people struggled with it until I started going through it. She was telling me how much she wants to help and comfort me, and everyone else that she talks to about it, but that she doesn't know what to say, because she's never experienced it (she has a beautiful, six week old daughter named Amelia...and no, she wasn't trying) I had to laugh, because the truth is, I don't know what to say, heck I don't even know what I need to hear. I know what I hate hearing, and I know what makes me feel a little comforted, but even when other women come and talk to me about it, I have no clue what to say to them, even though I'm going through the exact same thing, generally we tell each other "I'm here if you need me." and then we are when they do, and "I completely understand what you mean, I feel the same exact way." and it is a huge comfort to know that someone else knows what it feels like to get angry, sad, jealous, and happy all at one "I'm pregnant" announcement from someone who "accidentally" got pregnant. It's a great comfort to know that someone who knows what you are feeling will be there and listen to you, and will do so with nothing but love and understanding. There are several things that I hear ALL.THE. TIME. and usually from people who mean well, but don't quite understand, and I am always glad that they at least wanted to say SOMETHING, but the things they say are sometimes unintentionally hurtful, here are a few of those things, and why they are hard to hear:

• "It'll happen."- This is what I hear the most, and I know that it's because they have no idea what else to say, and they sincerely and honestly want that to be true. It hurts because most days it doesn't feel true, and you can't honestly KNOW that for sure, and then every month and every year that it doesn't happen it hurts worse. This is a tough one, because every time I hear it I think "...and what if it doesn't"
• "In God's time."- This is more of an "I know this, but don't want to hear it" type of thing, this is hard to hear because I KNOW this to be true, but it's not that easy to put in perspective, it's like I know that my life is on God's schedule, and not mine, but darn it, His timing takes way too long!
• "God has His reasons"- This one also covers "Everything happens for a reason." When I hear those things I automatically think of the millions of precious little lives lost all over the world every single day, and what the reason for THAT could possibly be, and then I think about all the people who have kids that don't want or appreciate them, all the people who look at their children as burdens and accidents, and wonder what the reason for them getting to have children and for me not to could possibly be. Again, I KNOW that God has His reasons, and frankly it makes me mad that I can't know what they are, but that would defeat the purpose.
• "Trying is the fun part."- Obviously you have never tried to get pregnant.
• "Kids are so much work, seriously it's best to just spoil them and send them home."- Let me punch you and then take yours. I am not completely clueless about the "work" that children require, I also know how much joy they bring, and I know what it feels like to have children in my home day and night for weeks and then have to send them home, nope, it just sucks worse.
• "You can have mine, you'll be begging to give them back in an hour, trust me."- Say this to me one more time, and I will show up at your door with adoption papers. Seriously, you aren't funny, and that really hurts, I know you are kidding, and that hurts worse, because you have no idea how badly I wish someone would just show up at my house with a baby and adoption papers. 
• "Just adopt." - Obviously you have no idea what goes into an adoption, because "just" adopt is not a possibility. I wish I could JUST go and adopt, I'd have three kids by now, unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. 
• "Just quit trying and it'll happen."- Yes, because that's possible. I haven't found a way to do so yet, when you do let me know...well a way other than never having sex with my husband, that would work...but then it wouldn't happen, so that wouldn't work either.

Wow, I didn't realize how cynical I'd get by the end, sorry about that. I don't say this to be mean, it's just how I feel. I KNOW that most people mean well when they say these things, they just hurt.

So then, what should you say? That you love them, that you're praying for them, that you hurt for them, that you don't understand, that if they need to cry and scream and yell, and complain that you'll be there listening without judgement, with an open mind, and a loving heart. Let them know that if they need a hug, a good cry, or someone to hang out with just to take their mind off of things that they have you, and then DO IT! 

Just be a good friend, because the truth is nothing you, I, or anybody can say will make the pain go away, it won't make it better, it won't give them a baby (unless of course you are saying "ummm, I'm pregnant, and I'd like to do a private adoption..." in which case my phone number is.....) Just be present and caring, and don't judge them when they talk about feelings of anger and jealousy, because they are probably feeling bad enough about feeling that way already. 

Just love them!

Family Comments

I realized just how hurt I've been by comments about infertility made by my family, I try not to give it much thought, but they hurt, bad. You know me, I find it best to express what is going on in my heart rather than to keep it all bottled up. I've talked about the unintentionally hurtful things people say, but what if those people are FAMILY? What if they are the people you love more than anything? It cuts deeper, it stings worse, and it's harder to let go of.


My family has hurt me plenty, generally it's unintentional, occasionally it is intentional. Either way, it hurts 100 times worse than when a stranger/acquaintance says the same thing. Mostly with family it's not understanding, or thinking they do. Mine tends to tell me that I'm young, and have all the time in the world, or they point out that ONE family member that couldn't have kids and tell me how happy she is. Of course, she's never talked to me about her struggle, except to tell me once that I should be more grateful for what I have, instead of being upset about what I don't have...which made me feel like a crap person, so that was helpful.

Anyway, majority of the women in my family have had children before marriage, and been married a few times, and not that I love them any less, not at all, I adore my family, all of them, but this fact makes it harder to deal with them, I just want to scream "YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU GOT PREGNANT ON ACCIDENT, BY TWO DIFFERENT MEN! YOU CAN NOT KNOW WHAT I AM FEELING!!!" But that would be unfair to say to them, because they didn't choose their circumstances any more than I chose mine. With family it's hard because you know that they love you, and that they generally want the best for you, but if they haven't lived it, they can't relate. Oh, they try, and they usually mean well, but it generally doesn't ease the pain, and most of the time it makes it worse.

My mother for example, I love her to pieces, bless her heart, she is the sweetest, most giving woman you will ever meet. It doesn't matter that she just met you two seconds ago, if you need that shirt she's wearing, she'll strip it right off and get arrested for indecent exposure with out question, and she'll do it happily. She kind of gets it, a little bit. Her and my dad tried very hard for me, and she didn't think she'd get pregnant, and then she did, and that's how I came about, but for the large part she still doesn't KNOW what I'm going through, or at least she isn't that empathetic. I know she loves me, I know she hurts for me, but some things she says are hurtful. She always tells me that I need to have a boy, because she has girls, and a granddaughter from my little sister, and has always wanted a boy. I know she doesn't say it to hurt me, but I just want a baby, and I don't care what gender it is, and it makes me feel like if I had a girl she wouldn't lover her as much, though I know that isn't true, it feels that way. She also buys me baby clothes, this started when we were under the impression we would be adopting a friend's baby, and when that adoption fell through she continued to buy them, now this is partially my fault because I gladly accept them, and tell her it's fine, and it is...until I see the dressers full of baby clothes and remember I don't have a baby. I love my mom, and I know she never intends her words or actions to be hurtful, and she doesn't even realize it hurts, but it does. This woman has cried for me probably more times than I know, and has told me several times "if I hadn't had a hysterectomy, I would have already had a baby for you, I wish I could so badly." See, not only would this woman get arrested for a complete stranger, she would give her uterus to her hurting daughter. I know that nothing she says or does is done so with negative intent.

My great grandmother told me once that I was in a worse position to have a baby than a single, unwed mother without a house or a job. That one cut deep. Still, I don't think it was said with malicious intent, obviously not as sweet and well meaning as my mother, but I still don't think she meant it to hurt. She also always tells me that I'm young, and I hate to hear this, because I'm already older than half of the women in my family were when they had children, and it makes me feel like just because I've only been on the planet for so many years I am automatically less qualified than anyone else to have a baby.

 Then there is the one family member who does say things to purposefully jab a knife right through my heart and twist. I post some things on Facebook about what I'm going through, and for quite some time she would comment on these and ONLY these types of statuses(and I am a 2+ status a day poster), and always say the same exact thing "you are young" every single time, and that's it, nothing encouraging, just those three words, well she caught me on a super bad baby day and I let her know exactly how THAT made me feel, anyway, a huge argument followed and then a few weeks later we found ourselves arguing again, after I had written her a very lengthy e-mail about why I got so upset, she told me that she only said anything because she got tired of my pity parties, and "feel sorry for Amanda" posts, and basically said that she would understand if I had been at it for 15+ years, but that I couldn't feel pain over it because it was still less than five years!!!! The first six months of trying and not getting pregnant are HELL, because it should just happen, it happens for everyone else, it should be easy, etc. etc. I'm not saying it gets easier after that, but you're less....raw? I guess that's the word I want. That really super duper hurt because she is a member of my family, she is supposed to lift me up, not bring me down. I don't post things on here, or Facebook for attention, or for people to feel sorry me, I feel sorry enough for myself as is, no help needed there! I post on here to help cope with my feelings, and get them out  there, but mostly to encourage and give comfort to other people who know what I'm going through.

When I post about it on Facebook, it's generally to let my friends and family know that I need some extra prayers, that I'm having a rough day, and that, yes sometimes I need someone to talk to. It's okay to hurt and express feelings, even about topics like this, and no one should ever guilt you into feeling bad about your emotions. My whole point here is that for the most part your family means well, they most likely don't understand, and that is not their fault. You cannot blame them for not having gone through this too....I mean, would you want them to? I know I wouldn't, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. As badly as it hurts when the people you love say these things, know that they do love you and they aren't aiming to hurt you. Except for the ones that are, and for those, I delete from my digital life, and pray for them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. No words will make it better, no one knows what to say, not even those of us dealing with it every single day.