Wednesday, December 5, 2012

A Christmas letter to my one day baby.

Sometimes I journal to my future child(ren). I know that may seem weird to some people because they don't actually exist, and may never exist, but it helps me cope. It makes the dream of having children seem more tangible  when I feel I have no hope left, it helps to feel like they will one day read the words I am writing to them. I want to be able to show them one day, I want them to see how much they were loved before they were even created. I want them to know how many tears, prayers, and love went into making them. I want them to know that no matter how they came to us, we loved them even before hand, we've prayed for them every day since our wedding. I want them to know how deeply they are and always will be loved. I also want to remind myself how much I loved those babies even before they were born, how much I longed for midnight feedings, teething toddlers, and mouthy tweenagers. When I've been up for twenty four hours straight with a colicky newborn, have been bitten for the twentieth time in a day, or have a thirteen year old that thinks I'm "the meanest mom, EVER" I want to have these to remind me of this time, I want to be reminded of how I longed for all of the bad, right along with the good. I may lose sight of this longing I have for my children once they arrive. I never for one second want to lose the wonder and awe that is being a mom, even in those horrible moments. So, I want these letters to serve as a reminder, for me, when I need it, and for a declaration of love for my children.

I never thought I would share any of them publicly, but I was looking back today and found this one that I wrote last Christmas, and thought I would share it with you. Christmas is by far the hardest time of the year to be childless (next is Mother's Day) I am feeling much better this year than I was then, but I'm not going to lie, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. I do still feel at peace, but that doesn't mean I don't still get a twinge of jealousy once in a while, or a little bummed this time of year. Anyway, I thought I would share this in hopes that someone else may be feeling the same, or that you may know someone who's struggling, and it may help to remind you to be gentle with them. Also, this is from LAST YEAR, so this is our fourth Christmas, not third =)

My Dearest Child,
 It's December, my favorite, and least favorite time of the year. I love Christmas because it's the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior...but, I also struggle with it because we don't have you in our lives yet. This will be our third Christmas praying for you, and wishing you were here. It's hard to celebrate the birth of a child, when you are struggling to have your own. I so desperately want you here to celebrate with us. I can't wait to see the wonder and amazement in your eyes, the joy on Christmas morning, to have our tree decorated with construction paper ornaments made by you, to watch Daddy hold you up to put the angel on the top of the tree, to read to you the account of Jesus's birth, to tell you all about why Christmas is so wonderful, and important. I can't wait to share everything with you! 
Sometimes it's so hard to watch other people get ready and talk about how much their children enjoyed Christmas, and we don't have that. We don't have you yet. It's so hard to go shopping for other people's kids, when I just wish I had you to buy things for. This year has been a little harder than the last two because Aunt Anna is pregnant, and as exciting as it is to look at things for your cousin, I desperately wish I were picking them out for you. I just love you so much. I think the thing that makes Christmas so hard is seeing everyone else celebrating with their children, and so happy and full of joy, and wrapped up in their kids, and celebrating life. Daddy and I love each other so much, and love celebrating together, and with family, but we feel like you're missing from the picture. We can't wait to meet you, and share everything with you. 
I know that one day we'll all be celebrating together. I know one day we'll get to see the excitement on your face on Christmas morning, one day our tree will be filled with your creations, one day you'll put the angel on top of the tree, one day you'll share in the celebration of the miracle of Jesus's birth, one day I will get to buy you presents. One day God will finally let us know that we're ready to meet you. Until that day comes I'll keep praying for you, loving you, hoping for you, and waiting for you. I hope to be the best mommy I can be for you. I hope to make all your Christmases memorable, I want you to know how much you were wanted, and thought about, and even a little extra so this time of year. Who knows, maybe next Christmas I'll be reading you this letter? 
Unfortunately, I won't be reading this letter to my babes this year, but maybe next? I don't know. I do know that for whatever reason, this time of year is a little harder, it stings a little more. Please pray for me, and I'll be praying for all of those mothers without children going through the same thing. I hope this gave you a little insight into what it's like to be without a child this time of year.

(I edited out a few of the more personal bits)



  1. Amanda do not feel crazy I do this too. I write letters, I even hold onto things that I find wonderful that I believe they will one day like. I know some people will think we are nuts, but we are not nuts we are just full of love, with no one to really give it to.

    1. Thanks, Sam. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone!

  2. This brought me to tears! Just knowing that there are millions of childern out there with no place to call home this Christmas or no parents to love them and here you are with more love in that big ol heart of yours then any child could ask for! Just keep praying and don't give up God will answer you I don't know anyone more deserving then you... You are in my thoughts and prayers always! Try to have a merry Christmas I know its going to be hard but stay strong hopefully around this time next year you'll have that beautiful little miracle snuggled warm in your arms!

    1. THIS brought tears to my eyes! Thank you so much! Your kind words mean so much to me! I have a hard time with all the children without homes too, I would take any of them, and have been close a few times, but it's not as easy as one would hope! I know God has a plan, but some days it's easier to see than others!


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