Counting Your Blessings

If you read this blog very often at all you'll probably have noticed a bit of a theme with me, and that is that I am really awful at life...but not half bad at picking out the lessons from my shortcomings. Those failings and lessons are plenty, I only tell you about a tiny sliver of them. I am constantly goofing up, and God is constantly teaching me... sometimes the same lesson over and over again, because I can be dense!

I'm really good at whining to God about what I don't have, and what's wrong and yada yada yada, but I'm not super awesome at telling Him thank you for as many things as I should. I'm not very good at counting-or even seeing my blessings many times. I'm especially not very good at it when I most need to be, when I'm upset or mad. Those are the times when we most need to remember all the amazing blessings we have, and not just focus on all the things we're lacking.

A few months ago I was praying about this problem of forgetting my blessings I have; "Lord, write them on my heart, help me to not forget all of the wonderful blessings I have, through You, remind me of them when I am most in need of remembering them..." After I finished praying I looked up to see my little gray prayer journal perched on the edge of the couch, I had a great big "duh" moment when I saw it there. It's a simple little sketch book that I use as a journal, it's this one.

^ That's mine, it has seen better days, lol. I usually carry it in my purse with me wherever I go, because I never know when I'll need to remember to pray for someone, or when someone's going to teach me about Lectio Divina in a coffee shop ;) As you can see it's stuffed full of things, on the outside I keep a pen, for when the need to write a prayer strikes, and a small bracelet rosary, in case I don't have one with me, on the outside, and it has a convenient little pocket inside the front cover made just for prayer cards, novenas, post it notes, a small devotional book...and, the thing that made me do a *facepalm* a long list of all the people and things I need to remember to pray about. Obviously this is a constantly evolving list, as prayers get answered, and things come up, people come into my life, etc. I keep a list right there in the front cover so any time I need to I can jot down a need, so I won't forget, usually just a word or two. Throughout my journal I write more lengthy prayers about specific things, of course, but I keep that very simple little list tucked right there, front and center, so I'll always be able to go back and pray for all of those needs.

That's where I was like "Amanda, you are so dense! You have a list of things to pray about, why not a list of things to be thankful for?" Well, self, that would make too much sense! So that's just what I did. I began writing things I was thankful for as they occurred to me, and thanking God for those things no matter how big or small.

I have always thanked Him for the big things, like waking me up in the morning, Tom, having a job, food, etc. and when big awesome things happen, like an unexpected check in the mail, or a bonus, or something like that, but I tend to forget the small things that really make my life wonderful: sunshine, grass, flowers, rabbits, people who love me, not having a war in my backyard, sweet tea, coconut oil, you know the little things I take for granted. Now, I'm not saying that I pray a prayer of thanks every day for coconut oil (though it is an amazing gift). I am saying that I have it written on a list in my journal so that when I'm all; "Oh, my life sucks, I don't have anything I want, why me, why do You hate me, blah blah blah, whine, whine, whine..." I can pick up the list and go; "Right, sorry, God, here are ten things I can't thank You enough for, my life is truly great, and would be sorely lacking without...."

It's good that we have a Father that's willing to listen to us and love us...but, it's also good to remember to thank Him, and to keep ourselves in check sometimes. I need to check myself a lot, because I get in that "me, me, me" mindset, and I have found it really helpful to stop, think and just say, "Thank You"

I think we could all remember to count our blessings a little more often, they are truly overflowing when you stop to think about them! I have found it so helpful to have it right there in front of me on the days when I can only count them to three =)

I need YOUR help with an upcoming post!

These are some ways people have found my blog recently via searching. First, I have never worn or blogged about wearing jumpers...just saying. Second, "Can't you dress modestly and still look normal?" That makes me a little sad, because um, YES. Not that I look "normal" I have never claimed to! But, I know it's possible =) Anyway, I have this crazy idea, and I would like YOUR help! I would like to do a post featuring all kinds of modesty! I know lots and lots of you dress modestly and all in different ways, your way is probably not mine, you can dress modestly in jeans or pants, or dresses and skirts, etc. Here's what I would like for you to do:

-Send me a picture of you in your favorite modest outfit (or two, more than one is fine!) send it to mrs_clark@live.com

-Tell me a little bit about what modesty means to you, or the outfit you're wearing, etc.-you don't have to, but I will quote you if you want me to.

-The photos don't have to include your name or face, feel free to crop your head off, or ask me, and I can.

-I know everyone's personal standards are different, so the general guidelines I am looking for are: skirts/shorts/dresses should be around knee length or longer, no cleavage, and shoulders should be covered, no belly buttons, and nothing so tight I can see everything. But, other than that just about anything goes.

-Tell your modest friends! I need as many pictures as I can get!

I'm going to give you a few weeks, or until I have a decent amount of photos, just message me or comment if you have questions. I would like as many different ages as possible too, so no matter how old or young you are, I want to feature your modesty, and your femininity!

So, go put on your favorite outfit, and dig out that camera! Please, and thank you!

Mother's Day is Hard...

I don't like Mother's Day. I love my mother, she's awesome. But, I don't need an entire day to remind me that I have no one to tuck in at night, no one to sing to sleep, no one to make me construction paper flowers and breakfast in bed. I'm reminded every single day of my huge empty house, my uterus never feels so empty as it does on Mother's Day. It's really not a good day to be infertile. It's sort of like all the single people on Valentine's Day that feel like the whole thing is a mockery of them and their singleness. It has nothing to do with them, but it magnifies their longing inadvertently.

It's probably very selfish. I have lots of great mothers in my life...but it's very painful. I'm not a pleasant person to be around this week, and especially won't be on Sunday. This is always one of those weeks that the devil gets at me pretty hardcore. I just want to be a mom. I want the toys strewn all over to be from my kids, the noses I wipe to be on my kids' faces, the boo-boos I bandage to be from my kid falling, the sticky handprints to be from my kid. I know it's horribly selfish, but I still don't feel like it's all that much to ask. I just want to be a mommy.

Mother's Day just brings it home. Especially with my sister having a baby too. Sunday I was going to take my mom out after Mass, it was going to just be me, her, my husband, and my step-dad. We were just going to go out, and I was just going to pretend it was just Sunday and there was nothing special about the day, and we were just going to eat, and then I was going to come home and it was just going to be Sunday, May 12th. Now it's not going to be that simple. Now it's going to be my grandma, and her daughter, and my mom, and her daughters, and my sister and her daughter, and me...

Me with my big, fat, empty, barren uterus. Me and my achingly empty arms. Just me, and my lack of ability to create life. Me and my bitter and brokenness.

Getting to listen to tales of childbirth and antics, and the love of being a mother...and just getting to listen, because I can't relate because I have nothing. Nothing but tears and aspirations, dreams and wishes. I just have to sit there and smile and hold back the tears, because I make every holiday about my pain, because they all hurt. I'll just have to make it through a few hours....

and then I can come home and curl up in a ball and miss the children I don't know. I just want it to hurt a little less. I just want to be a mom.

I'm sorry I'm being a whiner. I'm sorry I make holidays about me. I'm sorry I'm no fun to be around when I'm like this.

I just hurt. Mother's Day tends to magnify the hurt. I'll have to sit through church, and no doubt hear about how much mothers do, and how awesome motherhood is (those things are true, and need to be said-they just hurt) At least I can hide the tears behind my veil...do you think I'd get away with veiling at dinner?

My prayer on Mother's Day is that all of the mother's without children are comforted, that people acknowledge their hurt. That all mothers that have lost a child too soon find peace and comfort. That all mothers appreciate their motherhood a little deeper. That all women that have longed for a child and now have one won't forget what that longing felt like. That we would all remember that their are women that can't conceive, and  women that have lost children, and women that long for their children to remember them. I pray that all of these women find hope, peace and comfort. I pray that one woman longing for a child conceived a healthy child this week, that she is able to carry to term, and raise to adulthood. I pray that one child estranged from their mother repairs that relationship on Mother's Day. I pray that I can remeber to reach out to someone like me when I do have children, and that I never forget how much I longed for my children.

Source

What a woman REALLY means...

Have you seen one of these ridiculous things before?

Of course you have. Do they make you want to punch your computer screen regularly? They do me. It's exasperating, I tell you. I have been trying to de-program my husband from this ridiculous garbage since we got married.

This type of baloney is exactly why marriages and relationships constantly fail: LACK OF COMMUNICATION.

Is it THAT hard to comprehend? If you want a relationship to work, you have to have open and honest communication, or it's going to fail miserably. I am not just yelling at you, I'm yelling at us, too. We've fallen into this, of course we have. And those have been some of the very worst moments in our marriage. We entered into our marriage with the understanding that we would have honest and open communication-even if that honesty hurt. Of course, we've had occasion where one or the other has kept something from the other, we're human, we're steeped in this kind of garbage just as much as anyone else. 

Do you want to know what the big issue was the few times that one of has kept something from the other? It wasn't hurt at the thing being kept hidden-each time it was something upsetting, sure...but not anywhere near as hurtful as finding out the person you love and care about, the person you have vowed to spend the rest of forever with had lied to you, or didn't trust you enough to tell you the whole truth. That's always the most painful part. I know that these six things seem pretty harmless, but they aren't. They're gateway omissions.

You start saying "I'm fine" instead of "I'm not at all fine, what you said really hurt me" "nothing is bothering me" instead of "THIS is bothering me"  "go ahead" instead of "I'd really prefer you not" "Whatever" instead of "I'm not done discussing this" "that's ok" instead of "that really upsets me and I'm not at all okay with it" or "wow" instead of "I can't believe you did that." 

When we start hiding our true thoughts and emotions from our husbands it becomes really easy to hide other things from them. When we start covering our feelings like this, and expect them to magically be able to read our minds and know the truth, it just hurts us and upsets us more when they don't. We sulk and let it all pile up, and instead of just saying what we're honestly experiencing we cover it with these garbage lines and then get mad when they don't see thru it. 

I am an honest person, I will generally tell you what's on my mind ((you're shocked, I know)) obviously, I have a bit of tact and keep some thoughts private, but never anything that is vital, or will cause problems, and don't keep things from Tom...well, that's not entirely true. There are only two things that I find acceptable to hide from my husband: what he's getting for Christmas, and where I keep the cookies that magically appear in his lunch box in the mornings. 

Anything beyond that and it causes tension, hurt feelings, and arguments. When we are communicating honestly with each other we sure do argue a lot less. Because we know and respect the other's reaction. When I say I'm fine, I'm fine. If I'm not I'll tell you, and I'm super sick of STILL getting questioned on this fact sometimes because of garbage posts like that above photo. I feel like I'm deprogramming him. It's so annoying that so many women  and men find it acceptable to hide things from their spouses, things from as small as the above to things like these:  

((From eshaming-some on the site are pretty graphic, I found it by way of someone on Facebook))

I know that you're all smart enough to see the issues in these. Lying about expenses, lying about speeding tickets, putting on a front for your husband. NO! Repeat after me; "I will not lie to my spouse, I will answer honestly when asked how I am feeling, I will be open about all the money I spend, I will share with them my lead foot, my hatred of shaving, my angst at making the bed, and anything else I have been keeping from them. A good marriage can not last when built on a foundation of lies!" 

I want to see less photos like the above, and more like these: 

Stop hiding things from your spouses, no matter how big, or how small! Stop clogging up my newsfeed with garbage that suggests all women are liars, and all marriages are full of secrets and half truths. Start loving your spouse as yourself, start clogging up my newsfeed with empowering things, and start making positive confessions! These are a few of mine, what are yours? 

A week of modesty

I get asked sometimes what wearing skirts all the time looks like, and how practical is it, things like that. So, I have been taking pictures of myself every morning for the last week! Just to share with you fine people! Hopefully this will give you a little bit of an idea of what it can look like every day. I don't have an expensive wardrobe, or much fashion sense...as you'll see momentarily. Most of my clothes were bought second hand or on clearance. Both because I like the planet, and I'm poor/cheap. I also have an insanely colorful selection of skirts, see:

I doubt you'll actually want to take any clothing advice from me! But, nonetheless, I wanted to show you how cheap, fat people rock skirt wearing!

A few warnings: These pictures were taken at like five in the morning. I am not that creative at five in the morning, you'll see I don't know what the heck to do with my arms. They are all in the same spot, that is because for the full body shots I had to use my entertainment stand to hold the camera. For the lower portion ones (I'll add at the end) I used my dining room table, and that's my entry way...it's ugly. My house is old, and messy. My modest may not be your modest. The purpose of this is purely encouragement for my fellow modest ladies...and maybe a few laughs at my lack of taste in clothing. 

Without further adieu:

First up we have this super comfy and pretty cute dress. 

This was worn to save some babies, do a little shopping, 

eat too much food, go to Mass, kidnap a priest,

eat more food, and have an all around awesome day with

the bestie.

Dress: Wal-Mart, $17.00 

Tank Top: I've had it since high school

Shell: I stole it from my mom...it has pockets!

I love this outfit. I'm not sure why, I just love the way this skirt hangs. 

This was worn for Mass, chilling with the hubs, 

tickling the niece, eating my grandma's fried chicken,

picking on my sister, loving on the fam, and having an all

around spectacular Sunday.

Scarf: I use it as a head covering in church, got it at a local purse store. 

$15.00, I know, I can't believe I paid that for a SCARF either!

Blue Tank Top: Wal-Mart, $5.00

Brown Shirt: Thrift Store $1.97

Skirt: K-Mart Clearance, $4.99

To start the week off we have a super casual, super comfortable

black skirt and a plain shirt. This was worn for praising the Lord, 

chasing little ones, sweeping, dusting, and cooking.

Black Tank Top: Had it since High School

Blue/Green Shirt: No idea

Black Skirt: Fashion Bug Clearance: $12.00

Tuesday I was a little tired this is my "sweat pants skirt" 

Because it's as comforting as a pair of sweatpants

but it's a skirt. This was worn for wiping little 

noses and hineys, scrubbing the toilet, giving hugs, and reading stories.

Purple Shirt: Wal-Mart Clearance, $3.00

Brown Skirt: Thrift Store, $2.97

This was worn for chasing away monsters, playing tag,

breaking up fights, vacuuming, hanging clothes on the line, 

and being chased around the yard by my husband.

Purple Shirt: Wal-Mart, $5.00

Khaki Skirt: Thrift Store, $2.97

Jeans and a t-shirt kind of day! Jean SKIRT, that is! 

This was worn for hours of playing outside, pushing

swings at the park, giving snuggles,

rocking babies, and eating dinner with my 

grandma. 

Black Tank Top: Had since High School (it's not the same top each time, 

I swear, I have four of them!)

Red Top: Yard Sale, $.50

Skirt: Craigslist, $5.00

This was worn for a trip to the doctor with the hubs,

going to two book stores, eating yummy things,

traveling in the car for four hours,

and jamming out to some Christian rock with 

my favorite guy!

White Tank Top: Yard Sale, $.25

Blue Shirt: Wal-Mart Clearance, $3.00

Black Skirt: Craigslist, $5.00

There you have it, folks, a week of me dressing all frumpy and modest and what not. I really am cheap! I hope this gives you a little glimpse into what dressing modestly can look like, this is just one way, mine. You will probably have a totally different style than me...mostly because I just wear what I like and what's comfortable. 

Here are a few shots of the bottom part of some of my outfits, not all because I forgot some days, but they should help you get a better idea of what they look like. 

My Family's Cancer Story: How I Survived ((Guest Post))

Today I have something pretty different for you! Instead of me ranting and raving, whining or complaining I have a guest post to share with you. I had a very sweet woman named Heather contact me and ask if I would be willing to have her do a guest post, I was a little skeptical at first, I mean who would want to post something here? Besides me, obviously. So I did a little research and was touched by her story, and am absolutely honored to feature her story. It's a great illustration about how a little life can have a big impact, and you know I'm all about respecting life! So, without further ado, Heather's story:

My Family's Cancer Story: How I Survived

My daughter loves to tell people a funny story. It's actually a very true story with some difficult beginnings, but we don't like to focus on the bad parts. She tells people that she saved mommy's life. Adults find that hard to consider. How can a baby really save an adult? Well, I'm here to tell you that it's totally possible, and I should know because it happened to me. 

My husband and I wanted to be together for awhile in our marriage before we took the plunge to have a baby. We wanted to make sure we were ready. I was 35 when we realized it was time. I got pregnant fairly quickly. I was suddenly in the midst of carrying life and having all sorts of questions. I didn't know what to expect for my new journey as a mother, but I couldn't imagine anything more exciting. I was ecstatic to go through this with such a loving partner. Cameron is an amazing husband, so I knew that he would be an amazing father. What kind of mother was I going to be? I figured that as long as I protected, nurtured and loved my kid unconditionally, I was doing something right. 

Everything was perfect for a while in the pregnancy, but on the day of Lily's arrival, something went wrong. The doctor told me that Lily was in breech position. I thought out loud, "At least she'll have a round head!" That got people to smile during a difficult moment. It was painful but I was holding Lily a few minutes later, and everything slipped into pure joy. I was so amazed by her. We were going to be the best parents that we could possibly be. There was no question about it. As I stared into her charming face, I wondered how anything could be better than this. 

A few months later, after I experienced extreme weight loss and fatigue, I found out that I had malignant pleural mesothelioma. It was the type of thing that knocks you down a few pegs or even all the way below the last peg. I remember sitting in the office, having a breakdown as I was told that I only had 15 months to live. I needed treatment and quickly. My husband was there for me in a time that I couldn't be there for myself. Cameron told the doctor that I had to see a mesothelioma specialist in Boston. It was the only option that he had spoken about that made any sense because this specialist had saved so many lives in the same predicament as myself. 

My treatment started across the country. We were from Minnesota. I had never been to Boston. As I stood in the midst of this city, I realized how far away I was from Lily and what I was doing there. Of course, every mother makes sacrifices, but if I didn't survive this, I would be making a big sacrifice. I had to get through this treatment. The first part was surgery. The cancer needed to be removed from my body. Unfortunately, the surgery was extremely risky. They had to remove a lung and parts of my heart, chest and diaphragm. I didn't realize until now what could have gone wrong that day, and yet here I am. The surgery was successful. I spent a long time in recovery at the hospital and then an outpatient facility in Boston. I was going to spend much longer in chemotherapy and radiation, but not before spending time with Lily for the first time in months. 

Those were some incredibly wonderful days. I was able to be a mother again, despite going to one of the darkest places that you could go. I had no idea that I could ever get to the point where I was a strong mother once more. I didn't know if I was going to have the strength to do what needed to be done, and yet thoughts of Lily spurred me to energize and remember that I was going to be the best mother that I could be: cancer or not. I was able to beat mesothelioma with the memory of life inside of me and knowing that I had to be there for another 30 years for my baby girl. 

Today, I'm a happy, healthy mommy of a spunky seven-year-old who has her own tale to tell. It's not her fault she's a hero, and yet she loves being my hero. I love that too. Together we have a bond that we wouldn't have otherwise had. For that, I am most thankful.

You can read more about Heather, here  She is such a strong woman, you can see that plainly just by reading through some of her posts. Thank you for the honor of sharing your beautiful story, Heather!

Thanks!

I can be kind of a whiner, I know this. I've written several posts about all of the negative reactions to my conversion, and have been so wrapped up in all the hate that people have spewing my direction that I have forgotten to slow down and appreciate all of the positive people, and all of the support. So, today I am taking a moment to slow it down and count my blessings.

While, yes, I have had lots of negative reactions, I have also had many positive reactions. After I posted "I'm Sorry"  I recieved ten e-mails, TEN, TEN I couldn't even believe it, that night I had person after person reaching out to me, many I hadn't talked to in YEARS. It made me cry. So many people just dropping me a line to let me know they still loved me, and were thinking about me, and were sorry about what I was going through. It was so humbling, so beautiful, and such a reminder that I am loved and I do have people in my corner! If that was you, if you reached out to me and reminded me you are here for me, THANK YOU!!! I mean that, from the depths of my heart, you touched me and I won't forget it.


I have also received many phone calls, text messages, and people coming up to me in the store, or on a walk to let me know that they love me and still support me too. I have had support from some family, clergy, store clerks (at Catholic stores) and even many strangers on here. For every negative reaction, I have had a positive one, they were just so spread out that I failed to recognize it at first! If any of those people were you, THANK YOU!!! 

I am so immensely blessed. I really do forget to slow down and appreciate it. To all of those that have supported me, lifted me up, prayed for me, and loved me through all of this, thank you, I love you, too! You are the ones that have gotten me through this. You have no idea, I have had some awful days and then I get an e-mail or call or text, or run into one of you, and you give me the encouragement and the strength to move forward!

It's so amazing that God always provides! To all of you that allowed Him to work through you, I can't thank you enough. It means the world to me!

Keep praying for me. I still need it. I can't promise I'll be able to keep my blessings in check every day, and let the bad stuff get me down again, but I can tell you that all of your prayers and support have held me up throughout this painful process.

THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!