Monday, July 16, 2012

What a negative pregnancy test day feels like.

I had ANOTHER BFN today, and if you don't know what that means, it's a big fat negative, and in case you don't know what that means, it means I peed on a stick at 6:00a.m. and it was negative, and in case you don't know what that looks like because you are a horribly fertile individual, it looks like that----->
Yup, one little lonely line, all sad by itself, and on some tests it's a negative sign, and that makes me sad, and on other tests it actually tells you "not pregnant" and if that's not a huge kick to the ovaries I don't know what is, so I choose tests like this because they are less sad, well as unsad as you can get when you are looking at proof that your body really is lonely and empty on the inside. I am pretty certain that I am a glutton for disappointment, I don't know what's wrong with me, I think I'm an, I'm pretty certain I am. I'd have to be to keep taking these stupid things all the stinking time when I KNOW exactly what they are going to say.

I'm waiting for them to come out with some that say "sorry, try again" "ask again in a week" "pray harder next month" or "man, you guys suck at this!" because then I would know that they were actually mocking me, and I wasn't just imagining that they were laughing at me saying "ha ha, na na na boo boo" maybe they'll make them that say that, then I won't have to think I'm nuts for thinking that a piece of plastic is taunting me. If you've tried to make a baby for a while and have seen many of these, then I think you know what I'm talking about. At least for me it feels like they are laughing at me and teasing me about my inability to make a baby grow. I know it probably sounds silly to say that a pregnancy test is mocking me, but it really does feel like that sometimes. No matter how much I tell myself beforehand that this will be the result, no matter how much I pray in preparation, no matter how much I rationalize, it still freaking hurts.

 I always tell myself "Okay, so you know what it's going to say, DO NOT get your hopes up, you're just taking this to prove to that other corner of your brain that those are in fact just gas pains, you aren't lucky enough to have it be any good kind of pain. YOU WILL NOT CRY!!!! When that thing says 'Nope, sorry Charlie, you aren't awesome enough to be a mom, better luck next time...LOOOOSER.'  You will simply grit your teeth, you will take that test and drop it in the trash, pray for peace and strength, and get on with your day, do you understand me, you will NOT cry, I mean it this time!"

 And every time it plays out more like this: Test says the above sentiment. I bite my lip, I tell the stinging in my eyes to shut the heck up....and then I start to sob....HARD. I collapse on the bathroom floor in the fetal position (kind of ironic, eh?) and I continue to sob and hyperventilate, I try to pray, and then I just thank God that no one is around to witness such a display. Then I tell myself, "Self, you are being ridiculous, get your butt off the bathroom floor, dry those tears, and get the heck over it." I then force myself into a seated position, look at the test again, turn it every which way, trying to FORCE that second line to appear, it refuses. I then chuck it across the room as hard as I possibly can (okay, so today was actually the first time for that) watch it hit the wall, and then the floor, I then walk across the room and stomp on it, yell and scream a little, cry a lot. Then, I realize that I'm throwing a full out temper tantrum, and acting like a tired, worn out two year old, two hours past nap time that couldn't have a candy bar. I take two deep breathes, pray and thank God again that I'm the only one home, dry my eyes, clean up my mess, tell myself I should just give up, and get dressed for the day.

 Then, I do it all again in a month or two...see what I mean about being an idiot?

1 comment:

  1. I'm so SO sorry for your pain of infertility. I have a few friends with PCOS and see their desires and longing for babies and are crushed month after month. I have NOTHING encouraging to say but wanted to thank you for your real feelings and posting your thoughts/struggles as you are on your TTC journey.


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