Monday, July 16, 2012

Arguing with God.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been mad, and busy...mostly mad. Surprisingly THIS anger has little to do with my lack of a baby. But, that's a story for another time. What I actually wanted to talk about was this horrible realization that God's plan for my life may not involve being a mother. I have recently had this horrible thought that what if my purpose is not to be a mother myself, but to love, guide, and lead other people's children through my daycare, and the nursery at church, what if I am supposed to stay miserable so I can continue to lift people up, so other people can learn and grow from my experience, what if I am just supposed to support others and never ever get to be a mom? I've decided to start a support group for women going through what I am that live locally. A group where we can gather and lift each other up, a group without judgement, a group where we can be honest and know that everyone else involved feels the same way we do. A group where we aren't going to hear the same trite sentiments over and over. A group where we can feel loved and empowered. I'm really excited about this, and hope that it will be able to help me, and others like me (if you are in Southern Iowa and interested, e-mail me!) BUT, this horrible thought occurred to me that what if THIS is God's plan, what if God's plan is me hurting, and wishing and praying, and not getting results, and just lifting up other people? I don't want this to be the plan, this is not my plan, I am absolutely terrified that this is the plan. God did not consult me on this, if he had I would have vetoed it. Oh wait, that's why it's called "God's Plan" and not "Amanda's Plan" The reason I'm so scared is because I've noticed myself becoming more and more okay with my child-less life. *gasp* Not by my choice or effort, but I'm sure by God's and I'm sure it's taking him a lot of effort because i'm kicking and screaming and fighting him the whole way to peace. I'm sure I sound insane, I mean why wouldn't I WANT to have peace? I do, but I feel like giving into this peace that God has been leading me to feels to me like giving up, and I have promised that I will not give up...but, is it giving up if it's God's will? I have no idea, I'm asking you. I just want to be a mom, I don't want to recognize the possibility that this may not be His will for my life, that thought, this realization scares me to death. I've never wanted to picture my life with out children, I love my husband dearly, but I want more from life, I want to love and cuddle and raise and teach and guide my own kids, not other people's not that I don't love my job, and my church kids, I do...I just want that to be temporary, a stop along the way to the mommy-hood, and it's feeling more and more like THIS, helping other people, daycare, children's ministry is my final destination, and what I've been led to do. If it is God's will, then eventually he'll win, I mean he is GOD, and I am Amanda, and I've prayed time and time again that His will be done...that was assuming His will was that I become I mommy, and now that I've realized that might not be His will, I'm scared, and I don't know what to think or do. For now, I'm going to keep feeling, keep living, keep trying, and keep praying that God's will be done, and that I can have peace and understanding about it. When the time comes I know I'll know's just the getting there part, I know God has a plan for my life, and I'm excited to see it unfold...yes, even if doesn't involve children, because I know that He won't send me without equipping me.

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