Monday, January 13, 2014

10 Realistic Reasons to Wait to Have Sex

I've seen several posts on blogs and on Facebook encouraging young people to have lots of sexual partners before marriage. I find that to be horrible advice. I get it. It sounds boooring to just have sex with the same person for the rest of your entire life. The world tells you that you're a total prude and no one will want you if you wait. Everyone's always like; "Abstinence only education doesn't work." Of course it doesn't work. You have no legit reasons for it. Your entire reasoning is essentially: "Don't have sex. Because why? Jesus. That's why." Yeah, that's going to work with a bunch of kids that couldn't care less about Jesus. Shaming and scare tactics aren't the way to go either. Sex isn't dirty or bad. What will work is being real with them.

Many people find sex an uncomfortable topic, and kind of skirt around it. Not me. Sex is natural, beautiful, and meant to be enjoyed. Between a husband and a wife. Of course the Bible, and our faith is a totally legit reason to wait...for us. Not for the people that don't care about that. But, their are plenty of other totally realistic reasons to wait. I went over a couple of these reasons with sexually active teenagers last night. The look on their faces was PRICELESS. I was informed that I should have had that particular little talk before they had had sex. They were all like; "I have never thought about it like that." and  informed me that it made them think differently about sex. I probably ruined premarital sex for them. *My best Grumpy Cat impression* Good. The thing is, the kids that really need to hear why they should wait, are the ones that aren't being told they should.

The kids that aren't in youth group, the kids that don't have Christian parents, or two parent homes. These are the kids that need it the most. They need someone to care about them, and to reach out to them, and to give them valid reasons for their lives. And no one's doing it. Most people think they won't reach these kids because they don't have a relationship with Christ. Let me tell you, whether or not you are a Christian, you still matter. Your body still matters. Your body is just as important as the girl in the church choir every Sunday. You matter to me. You do matter to God, even if He doesn't matter to you. And, yes, there are reasons for you to wait too. Reasons that have nothing to do with guilt, shame, or God.

In fact, these are all fairly selfish reasons. But, you know what? In this case, that's okay. Because we're talking about you, your body, and your mind. And if there is one thing you can be totally selfish about, it's how your body is used and treated. That needs to be up to you, and no one else. Do you understand that? Don't you EVER let someone bully or guilt you into using your body in a way that you aren't comfortable with. If you don't want to have sex, don't. And if he/she tries convincing you otherwise because they "love you" get the heck out. If they loved you, they'd respect you, and no means no, end of discussion.

I somehow have copious amounts of teenagers, that I adore, hanging out around me all the time. So, this subject comes up a lot. I really don't know why they keep coming over and calling for my advice, I feel like all I do is lecture them! But, I'm glad they do. Because, I know many of them don't have any other positive influence in their lives, so I try my best to be that for them. After this most recent conversation on sex, I decided to put together my top ten reasons to wait. These are, as I said, a little selfish. And, none of them have to do with God, or being a "dirty person". And, for those of you that did/are having sex before marriage, you aren't "bad" or "dirty" either, and I'm not trying to shame you. I'm simply trying to provide a few more realistic reasons to give young people before they give themselves to someone they'll regret.

10 Realistic Reasons to Wait to Have Sex:

1. You aren't ready to be tied to someone for the rest of your life. If you aren't prepared to spend the rest of your life associated with that person, then you aren't ready to hit the sack with them. This just in: sex can and will result in babies. Birth control and condoms can and do fail. So, if it's not someone you want to have a baby with, then it's not someone you want to have sex with.

2. The more people they've had sex with, the more people you're being compared to. Yeah. You can't un-have sex, so, the more partners, the more chances to be compared. Good news about only having sex with one person: the only person you can be compared to is yourself. You know without a doubt that you're the best they've ever had. You don't have that guarantee otherwise. Sure, they can tell you that. But, how do you know for sure? Only one way. That's to be the first and the last.

3. You can build a stronger relationship. Nobody courts anymore. That's a problem. We just have sex on date number one, therefore never having to woo our significant other. Or anytime we do spend wooing is in anticipation of sex, instead of marriage.  So, instead of spending months getting to to know each other in every other possible way, we spend about two minutes learning about the person, and then just have sex with them. No wonder so many relationships fail. Trust me when I say that if you spend time finding non physical ways to express your love to each other you will have a stronger relationship later. I hear lots of women complaining that their spouses aren't romantic and only want to have sex all the time. Well, yeah. They all had sex before marriage. They didn't have to learn to love them in any other way.

4. They got that experience somewhere. When I was engaged I was told several times that I wanted an "experienced lover". No, no, I did not. See, that lover would have had to have gotten that experience somewhere else. Everything you enjoy from an experienced partner comes from...experience...with people that aren't you. Maybe I'm selfish, but I can't imagine lying in bed wondering how my husband learned to make love. That means that whatever pleasure you take from the love making, someone else has experienced from them as well. No thanks. 

5. You don't have to worry about if you're what they expected. You won't be embarrassed if you don't compare, or you don't know what to do. Because if you're both having sex for the first time, then you have no expectations, or at least nothing to compare it to, and it's all uphill after the first time.

6. You aren't really in love. Love takes time. Love is hard work. I know at seventeen two months feels like forever, but it's not. It's like two seconds in comparison to forever. You shouldn't jump in the sack with someone just because they give you the warm fuzzies. That isn't love, that's lust. Love is really complex, and not at all easy, and I can guarantee you that if you're in high school and/or been together for less than six months what you are feeling is more lust than love. Oh, you might have a teeny tiny bit of love. But real love, the kind that can withstand any storm, that takes years and years and lots of care and attention. I recently talked about on Facebook that we spent the first three years of our marriage really falling in love, and I know that every year going forth our love is growing deeper, and when we're old and gray we'll look back and say that even today we didn't really know love.

7. If you're really in love, you really can wait. That love ain't goin' nowheres if'n it's for realz. Give it time to grow, take good care of it, and see numbers 6 and 3 above.

8. You get to learn together. Instead of coming together in just another sexual encounter with just another person. Instead of both of you already knowing what you're doing, you get to learn about it together. You get to discover parts of yourself you never knew existed, and not just with someone, with the one that you've decided to stick with forever. What an experience, what a bonding. It's so beautiful to get to express your love to the same person in so many different ways. It's not at all boring having sex with the same person every night. It's having different sex with the same person every night, and that is not at all boring. I would much rather spend the rest of my life getting to know one body really well for the rest of my life, than trying to learn a different body every few months.

9. "Just sex." Is nowhere near as incredible as making love. There is a huge difference. "Just sex" is what all the free love feminists tell you it is. And, yeah, even in a marriage sometimes you'll just have sex. And that's nice. But, it's not making love. And that's different. That's something you don't get to experience until you're really in love. It's far and beyond lust controlled fulfillment. It's absolutely amazing, and the way it's intended to be, between a husband and a wife. That's an experience that you aren't going to get with someone you barely know, that's an experience that only comes with time, and real love. And, that gets better with time, just like love.

10. It's guilt and worry free. You don't have to dread pregnancy or STDs, it's right and natural. And as it should be. It's not empty or pointless. It means something.

Sex isn't "no big deal" it's a huge deal. You are literally joining your body with another person. You are becoming one with them. You can't take that back. Once you've done it, you've done it. You have given a piece of yourself to someone. And, as I'm always telling you, you are important. Your body matters. So, give it to someone that matters. And, don't even try telling me that you know after two months that they matter enough to give them that part of you. No. You can't know then. You know after ups and downs and months of giving every part of yourselves, EXCEPT for that part of you. You know after countless trials, and a year or so of long walks, and picnics, and hand holding, and a few stolen kisses. You know when they are willing to do anything for you, even if you aren't willing to give them your body. You know when they don't push you and pressure you into giving them your body. Your body is special and important, it's you. It does matter. 

When I was in highschool I had an on again off again boyfriend for around four years. We never had sex, but we came close. I didn't hold these opinions then, because I didn't care about myself then, and no one ever told me I should wait then. I had no real reason to wait, other than it just didn't feel right. We had been broken up for awhile, and he had started dating another girl, and I had dated a few other guys. We started talking again, and making plans for the future, marriage, babies, the whole shabang. He told me he broke up with the other girl and we were getting back together. Forever this time. The night that was supposed to be our last first date he told me he changed his mind and was going back to the other girl. I was heartbroken. I asked him why and he explained that he had had sex with this other girl, and he knew she would have sex with him, he hadn't with me, and didn't know if I would. So, he chose her. I am so glad I never gave him my body. That's all he wanted after all. Not me. He wasn't the right one for me, even though for four years I thought he would be. I tell you this to remind you not to make rash decisions, if it's for real, you can wait.

When you make love you aren't just giving them your body, but you're giving them your heart, and mind, and body. Everything you have. That's important, and it matters, because you matter. Don't sell yourself short with a bunch of "meaningless sex" you matter more than that. 


  1. Thank you, Amanda. This is really good, even for those of us who are happily married, to think about and remember when we are considering how to prepare our children for sexual temptation.

    1. Thank you, hopefully I can remember these myself, when the time comes =)

  2. I love this! I get harassed occasionally about why I waited with my husband, don't I feel like I'm missed something by not having "fun" in college, and being told that I will "go wild" in late 30s/40s because I didn't get a chance to "have fun." I hope to remember some of these points when a promiscuous friend/acquaintance is putting me down for "only" having had sex with one man.

    1. Me too! People mock me all the time. The one that really shuts people up is pointing out that he has no one to compare me to, and that I'm the best partner he's ever had...and that they can't say that ;)


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