Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I don't have all the answers.

I like my life to be wrapped up in neat little packages. I prefer everything to have a place, and for everything to be in its place, I like to know what's going on, and I think I must have all the answers, at all times. I am fantastic at giving people advice, I tell you, I have the answer to every problem....except my own. That's partly because I refuse to see that I have a problem, and partly because I am afraid to admit that I don't have an answer. It's the same with my choice to become Catholic. I researched and prayed so much, and I am 100% confident in that choice, and I feel that if I admit that I am having any struggles with this at all, that I have failed in some way, and that I am not fully committed. I know that's not true, but it's what I have convinced myself of. The truth is, I am still questioning, and I'm terrified ...but, strangely confident in the choice I am making, regardless of the remaining questions.

It's important for me to admit that I struggle sometimes...okay, like all the time, and I don't have all the answers, as much as I wish I did. I've talked a bit about disappointing others before, this journey has been so messy, and not at all tidied away in little packages topped with a bow as I wish it could be. This entire journey has been a big fat mess, full of doubts, questions, tears, understanding, growth, hurt feelings, broken hearts, love, joy, and peace. This is a journey full of God. Through every step of the way He's been by my side, holding my hand. I have felt His presence more throughout this trial than at any other time in my life. I know I'm not supposed to worry, and I'm not supposed to understand...but as no more than a mere human, a simple servant, and a great sinner, I can't help myself in trying and wanting to anyway.

Although I know this is where I am being led, although I pour my heart out about it daily, I am still filled with anxiety, and fear. The thing is, I have to be right. And not just because I'm arrogant and think I'm always right (which is a fault that I fully recognize in myself) but because if I'm wrong then I have in fact risked my soul, I have risked friendships, and relationships with people I dearly love. If I have misheard this call, If I'm wrong on this then it affects nearly every other aspect of my life. I know in the depths of my heart that I am right on this one, that this is where God is leading me, for what purpose, I still don't know. But, I do know that I will follow wherever He leads. I do know that the cost of not following Him is far too great to risk.

I also know where doubt and fear come from. I know that the devil wants me, he wants anyone that God has and he doesn't. The closer you are to God, the more the devil wants you. This journey has been no different. every journey I have been on has been this way, I do awesome and am close to God, and the devil steps in and tries to convince me otherwise. You can see this plainly by looking through my infertility section, you can see the overwhelming peace I felt here that was soon replaced by anger. I am sure you have similar things in your life, similar battles to be fought. We just can't let the devil win.

In this particular journey he has been smashing my pretty little boxes every time I finally fit something into one, and then giving me more things to try and shove into a box. What I mean is every time I think I have all the questions answered and am content in knowing them, I get a whole slew of new ones thrown at me, but the absolutely amazing thing, the way I know God is in charge here, is every time I have questions, I can easily find the answers, and they click, and I find peace about that questions. Peace that only He can give. The Church has been around so long that everything I could possibly ask has already been asked, and they can back it Biblically and historically! The other way I know is every time I told Monsignor (priest, and family friend) I was questioning, every time I told the priest (that I bother constantly) that I was questioning I was encouraged, I was told to dig deeply and find out as much as I can.  That's confidence, in your church, your Bible, and most importantly, your God. If you weren't confident in your church, if you didn't believe it was the fullness of Truth, you wouldn't encourage others to question, and dig, and wonder. If you didn't have the full confidence in God, then you wouldn't want people to ask questions, and to dig.

It's hard. It's hard not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow. It's hard when my little boxes don't stack up just right. It's hard when things don't fit into my boxes the way I think they should. It's hard to hurt those I love. But, He never said it would be easy, now did He? I do know it's worth it, and I do know He's by my side.

So, I don't have all the answers, and I never will. I still have questions, and you know what? That's OKAY! It's okay, because in the midst of all the questions, and all the un-stacked boxes, I know I am on the path I need to be on. I know I making the right choice.

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