Thursday, January 3, 2013

Having a bad day.

If you are expecting my typical fa-la-la, the world is grand, Jesus loves me, I'm fine type of post. Click another link, you aren't getting that tonight, sister. Tonight you are getting real, raw, emotion. You are getting my pain, and my tears, and my whining. Because tonight, that's all I have to give, and I have too much of it, and I have to put it somewhere. Before we start: Yes, I still love the Lord with all my heart, and strength, I still KNOW He has big plans for me, I am still His child. I do so well, for so long. I truly feel at peace, I am doing awesome, and then the devil tosses an open manhole out right as I put my foot down, he does it so quickly that I don't even notice until I'm clawing my way back up. Every time he shoves the cover aside so I fall into rotting sewage I manage to claw my way back to God, and every time I'm stronger than before I fell in. But, at what point will my strength run out? At what point will I be so strong, and so aware that I miss them all? Can I make it to that point?

Sometimes I honestly have no clue. I don't feel like I'm asking too much, I just want a child. I'll be fine with one. Millions are aborted, beaten, starved, and otherwise abused and unwanted EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. All I want is one of them. I don't care if it comes from my body, or someone down the street, or someone on the other side of the planet. I just want to be a mom. I just want to love them, and raise them to know Christ. I just don't get why that's too much to ask. I don't care about gender, or race, or special needs. I just want to raise a family. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand why millions of children suffer daily, yet I have a warm home, and food, and clothes, and all the love in the world to offer, and here I sit, empty uterus, and empty arms.

So often I wonder if I'm being punished, if I've done something to deserve this. I know that's not the case, but sometimes I can't think of any other reason. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant, and it often seems the worse their situation, the more kids they have. I just don't get it. Sometimes when people announce their pregnancies, it feels like it's a direct slap aimed at me. Obviously, no one is getting pregnant just to spite me. Sometimes, it feels that way. I know FOUR, FOUR girls off the top of my head that have (or are pregnant) three children, all of these girls are 18-21, only one of them has a job, none of them are married, and all of them openly talk about how the government is basically their baby daddy. I am not trying to be harsh or judgmental  I love these girls, but sometimes I have to wonder why it's okay that they get three kids they can't take care of, and I get none.

Anyone that knows me says I have a "heart for children" it's true, I love kids. Sometimes that heart for children makes this all so much worse. It feels like cruel and unusual punishment. It's like, why would God give me a heart for children, and not give me children to love? It's almost like a punishment sometimes. I just can't understand why He would give me such a desire to be a mother, and not allow me to be one. And again, why He would allow so many women that don't want to be mothers to be mothers, and why He allows so many precious children to die. I know I'm not supposed to get it, but sometimes it really ticks me off.

What you might not realize is that a lot of times it feels like society is punishing us. Of course it isn't intentional, and you'd only notice it if you were living this. When all of your friends have kids and you don't...well, say goodbye to them. I get it, it's awkward hanging out with the child-less couple, your life revolves around your kids, you don't know what to say to the infertile people, so you either risk it and end up sounding like a jerk, or ignoring it, which also makes you look like a jerk after awhile, or you just hang out with them less. I get it, it's weird. I wouldn't want to balance that either. Then, none of your single friends want to hang out with you because you're married, and have nothing in common with them. So, then you're down to almost nothing, but God, each other and one good friend. THEN, you have that awesome conversation every time you see someone you haven't seen in a while, where they find it necessary to ask if you have had any luck, or even more fun, they ask WHEN you plan on having kids...well, I PLANNED on having kids about three years ago, but apparently life doesn't work that way. I hate family reunions for that reason, tat's all I get asked the entire time, and then you say "oh, we're having some trouble trying" and then it's awkward, and then nobody talks to you for the rest of the time. Seriously, I promise when the time finally comes to buy a shirt with flashing lights that says "finally pregnant" and then you won't have to even ask. THEN, if you do end up adopting, well their is no "just" adopt for starters (if you have ever told anyone to "just adopt" JUST  be glad they didn't slap you.) They put your life under a microscope, go through your home, your personal space, ask you every question under the sun, make you pay out the wazoo and wait forever (or, if you go with foster care, all that plus the chance that the child you fell in love with will get yanked from your home and put back in the home they were pulled from to begin with) THEN, you still have the chance that the mother could change her mind...oh, not to mention the myriad of stupid questions people will then feel like they are entitled to ask, because all of the infertility ones weren't enough.

When you got pregnant did someone inspect your home, check your background, ask a million questions, make you take classes, and then make you pay thousands of dollars to continue? Didn't think so. It makes you feel like you not only do you have to deal with infertility, but also with being punished because you can't just go have a baby like half of America's teenagers. To a point, I get the hoops, but it's a little much. When babies are dying daily, it's a little lot much. I don't why I can't just have a background check done, prove that I have money and running water, get on a plane, head to Africa, pick up a child that otherwise would have died from dehydration in a month, hop back on the plane, and come home, and just raise my child.

I just want to be a mommy, why is that so much to ask?


  1. Wow, I can totally feel your emotion in this. To a point I know a little of how you feel. I lost a child, and now feel like every time I hear of someone not wanting a baby, it's a personal offense. It hurts every time. I wanted mine, had it there growing inside of me, and now, and now I just.... I'll never see that little baby this side of eternity, don't know what God's plan for our future in having children is, and it hurts. Keep going girl, because even when it's hard to trust, God is there and has a plan, and loves us. Keep going!

    1. Thank you. I'll pray for you. I'm sorry about your loss.


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