Peace.

Lately I am finding myself in a perpetual state of peace. It's quite a new experience for me, normally I feel like a war is happening inside my body, with my emotions, but over the last several months I have just had so much peace, I don't think I could feel frazzled if I wanted to! It started with peace about my fertility, that scared me at first, because I was worried I wouldn't care anymore, that I was giving up, or that I didn't want it anymore. Then I realized that wasn't the case at all, I just didn't want it more than ANYTHING else. I had placed my struggle and my desire to have a child above everything else in my life, I was putting my nonexistent child above myself, my husband, and yes, God. That's the hardest for me to admit, I want to believe that my walk with Him has never faltered, that I have never stumbled, and that I have had nothing but faith and trust in Him through all of this, but that would be a lie.

You know how they say that hindsight is 20/20? This couldn't be more accurate for me, I thought throughout all this that I was staying close to God, that I was giving it to Him, that I was trusting in Him, His plans, His timing, but I wasn't really. I was giving Him a sliver and holding on to the rest. The truth is, I was terrified to hand it completely over to Him. I was scared that if I just handed it to Him and put it out of my mind that would be me waving my white flag, and that that would be me saying I couldn't do it on my own. Well, DUH I can't do it on my own! I NEED God, I need Him to help me, I need His guidance, and love and support, and I  need the peace that only He can give. I was seeking this in myself, but peace doesn't come from within, it's one of those amazing things that can only truly come from God.

What I used to think was me quitting and losing myself was actually God taking my struggles from me. I mean, they were rightly His, I only offered them up to Him daily, but then never actually gave Him what I said He could have. The more He took, the more He gave. The less my world revolved around infertility and the more it revolved around Him, the happier I became, the more joyful I became, and suddenly I was just a well of peace. I didn't quite recognize what was happening inside me at first, at first I just noticed that I wasn't crying myself to sleep anymore, I wasn't having to hold back tears every time my husband interacted with a child, I didn't have to catch my breath and say a silent pray every time one of the daycare kids accidentally called me "mommy", I didn't cry and yell and scream every time someone said "I'm pregnant!", I wasn't wallowing in self pity every time someone asked "so, when are you having kids?"

Finally, FINALLY I was able to just pray, and then go to sleep, I was able to just smile, and enjoy the blessing that is my husband,and his heart for children, I could just giggle, and answer their call, I could honestly and truthfully say, "I am so happy for you, congratulations!", I could just smile and say, "When the good Lord is ready!"

I still want children, I still get mad when I see people treating their children badly, or walking into an abortion clinic, of course I do, I don't think that will ever change, no matter how many kids I have. It's just, my world has stop revolving around my desire for children. I have finally, once and for all handed it to God, I'm not holding it anymore. It's really, truly in His hands, and I can't think of a better place for it to be. I don't even know that I can fully articulate these feelings to you, it's just that I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that whatever God has planned for me is a trillion times better than anything I could ever desire for myself. I have a sense of overwhelming peace, it's like I have peace flowing through me, and it's exploding into other parts of my life.

I just realized this today, when I was talking to a friend about the peace I feel in relationship to my spiritual life, and I realized that it didn't start in the place I originally thought it did. I realized that the peace started in regards to my infertility and the proverbial dam has broken, and the more God has revealed to me in other areas of my life, the faster the river of peace is flowing.

I'm currently on another "faith journey" specifically involving my walk with Christ, and God has been revealing His truths to me left, right, and center. Every time a new truth is revealed my sense of peace deepens and gets stronger and more and more overwhelming. It's seriously mind boggling, that I, queen of the dramatics and anxiousness can feel so at peace with everything. But, I don't know why I'm surprised, I am talking about the creator of all things, the one who put everything into motion, and created me. Of course He can give me peace. I am so grateful for that. I am so happy, and content in ways I never thought I could be.

He is slowly revealing His plans for my life, and the more He reveals, the closer to Him I get, and the more peace He gives. Right now I don't know if I will ever be a mom, and for the first time ever, I can honestly say that if it is His will, then it is His will. God knows my life far, far better than I do...who am I to question Him?